Sunday Funnies 2/2/97 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 34k (approx. 17 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- My Baby-Boomer friends and I were discussing our children, many of whom have returned to live at home due to a weak job market. We came to the conclusion that this generation could be called "Baby Boomerangs." --- My son Billy burst in the door and excitedly announced that he had won a prize in his first-grade class. After telling him how proud I was of him, I asked what he had achieved. "I won," he said, "for having the oldest mom in the whole class!" --- While I was talking to a parent of one of my third-grade students, another teacher walked by. The mother, remarking how beautiful the woman was, said, "If my son had her for a teacher, he wouldn't be able to concentrate." Then she paused and added, "Good thing he has you." --- Concluding a month-long study with her sixth-grade class on ancient Egypt, my wife assigned research projects dealing with the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Neglecting to turn his work in, one student gave this explanation: "I can't finish my project because my set of encyclopedias is too old." --- When I was approaching 50, I announced to my three grown children that I no longer wanted to celebrate my birthday and that they could phone me instead of sending a gift. At first they protested, but finally they agreed to go along with my wish. So when the doorbell rang on the morning of my birthday, I was surprised to see the florist delivering a huge, beautiful plant. Suddently, without a word, she rushed back to the truck and, with a sad look, turned once to glance at me. Puzzled, I read the card attached to the plant: "To Mom -- with lots of love -- on your very last birthday." --- A sign near the reception desk at the Iliff School of Theology in Denver read: "The Body of God" is in the bookstore. Hand-lettered beneath were these words: Police are investigating. --- While my friend's son was packing for his freshman year at the University of Oklahoma in Norman, I asked her about his intended major. "I want to be a geoastronomer," he called from the other room. I was quite impressed, until his mother explained with a chuckle, "That means he wants to be a rock star." --- ********************************************************************** THE ENGINEERS SONG (SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES THEME) Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed, A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer", VAX that is. .. CRT's. .. Workstations; Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer, The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here", They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be", So he bought a bag of donuts and moved to Ahwatukee, Motorola that is. .. dry heat. .. no amusement parks; On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube, Fed him some more donuts and sat him at a tube, They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do, Instead of forty hours, we'll work you fifty-two!" OT that is. .. Unpaid. .. Mandatory; The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad, Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad, They called another meeting and decided on a fix, They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six." Tired that is. .. Stressed out. .. No social life; Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray, Jed worked hard while his life just slipped away, Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four, Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door. Laid-off that is. .. Debriefed. .. Unemployed. .. ********************************************************************* The Golden Rules of Flaming Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The Twelve Commandments of Flaming 1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot." 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy." 3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere. 4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a butthead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. 5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha." 6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying. 7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo." 8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, PMS, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ." 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both. 10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic. 11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up. 12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables." ************************************************************************ For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children writes then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had. **************************************************************************** --- A man answered the add in the paper of a mule FOR SALE from the monastery. The man was very impressed and purchased the mule. As he was leaving with the mule the monk told the buyer: "This mule is a religious mule, being raised here in the monastery. To get him to trot you just say, 'thank God.' If you wish him to gallop you say, 'thank God, thank God." And for real emergences you say, 'thank God, thank God, thank God.'" "Well, thank you very much," said the buyer, as he headed for the gate. "OH! One more thing. To get him to stop you say, 'amen'" Called the monk to the man. Well the man climbed on the back of the mule, and nudged him to get going. "He Ya!" The mule would not budge. "Giddy-yap!" Still nothing. Finally . . ."Thank God" The mule proceded to trot on down the road. The man figured he would see how good this mule really was. "Thank God Thank God" That man sure had a tough time staying in the saddle. After he got used to it he decided to see what this mule could do. "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" That mule flew down the street, faster than anything you have ever seen from an animal.. Up ahead he noticed a wide precipice. With no bridge. He pulled on the reigns in an attempt to get the mule to stop. It did not work. "WOAH!!" He called still not response. "STOP!! HEAL!! AHHHH!" Still no response the mule just kept on going. At the last possible moment he remembers "AMEN!" The mule stops just a breath short of the ravine. The man glances over the mules head looking deep into the gorge. He wipes his brow and says. "Whew! Thank God." --- Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." --- This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk". --- This true tid-bit I attribute to my dear father, Ben, known for his dead-pan dry humor. As a young boy, I was rocking rather enthusiastically on our great-big old rocking chair in our living room ajacent to our screened back door. Walking through, my dad stopped briefly and dryly admonished, " Don't rock too hard. You'll fall through the screen door and strain yourself." And promptly went along his way. Took me a while thereafter ( a couple of years ) to get it. --- A doctor, picking up his car at a garage, was highly indignant at the size of the repair bill. "All this for a few hours' work!" he yelped. "Why, you charge more for your work than we of the medical profession do!" "Well, now," drawled the mechanic, "the way I look at it, we got it coming to us. You guys have been working on the same old model since time began, but we gotta learn a brand-new model every year." --- An immigrant in Kansas was brought before the judge for a petty offsense. The judge asked the man if anyone present could vouch for his character. "To be sure, your honor, there's the sheriff." The sheriff looked amazed. "Your honor, I do not even know this man." "Your honor," came back the man, quick as a flash, "I've lived in this country for more than twelve years and the sheriff does not know me yet. Isn't that a character reference for you?" --- A couple traveled several miles down a country highway in silence. An earlier argument left both unwilling to concede their positions. Passing a barnyard of mules, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family." --- A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American: "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes," said the Dutchman. "We get red when we talk abou them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay." The American nodded. "I know what you mean. It's the same in the United States, only we see stars too!" --- A recent newspaper ad for a community college was headed: "Short Course in Accounting for Teens." Not long after it appeared, the ad drew on short letter, addressed to the school's president. "There is NO accounting for teenagers." --- As she watched her daughter drive away from the picnic area, my friend remarked, "I don't understand how teenagers can learn to operate a car. They can't operate a coat hanger yet." --- A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl died. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "*My* Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!" --- A young man wished to purchase a gist for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note...romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: Darling, I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we got out in the eveving. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled; I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.. Jimmie P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. --- Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies:"Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today i came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balconly, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beting on him and kicking him,, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and gota hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balconly." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Saint Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. you see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every moring I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this moring I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," sasy the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." --- We don't fully realize the hardships of our pioneer ancestors until we remember that day after day they plodded their way westward into the setting sun without sunglasses. --- A boy wrote to a pet dealer: "Sir, please send me two mongooses." This didn't sound right, so he changed it to: "Sir, please send me two mongeese." Still not satisfied he finally wrote, "Sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it, send me another one." --- A woman who runs a nursery school was delivering a station wagon load of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting on the front seat was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep the crowds back," said one five-year-old. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to an end. "They use the dog," he said firmly, "to find the fire plug!" --- In the heart of darkest Africa was a village were there lived a very wealthy chief. One day he ordered his villagers to make a huge throne out of gold for him. They complied, but it soon was discovered that the throne took up all the space in the chief's hut leaving him with nowhere to sleep. Later that day an intelligent villager came to him with plans to construct a pulley system to lift the throne in the air while the chief slept underneath it. The plans where approved and the pulley system constructed. That night the villagers hoisted the throne into the air and the chief spread his pallette and went to sleep. Suddenly, in the middle of the night the village was awakened by a tremendous crash and upon investigating found the chief dead under his throne and the remains of his hut. The throne had fallen bringing the entire hut down with it. The Moral of This Story: Those who live in grass huts should never stow thrones. --- A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks,"What took you so long?" He replies,"Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'" --- Newly arrived in the U.S., immigrants Byron and Percy went to the urban unemployment office. "What line of work are you in?" the agent asked Byron. "I pilot," replied Byron. "I'm sure I can find a place for you," said the efficient woman, handing him an application to fill out. Then she turned to Percy, "And what kind of work do you do?" "I lumberjack," he answered. "Hmmmmm.....I'm afraid we don't have any openings for lumberjacks." Suddenly Byron looked up. "Hey, you must be crazy, lady." The agent was taken aback. "Whatever are you talking about?" "Well, if he no cut it, how you expect me to pile it?" --- GM announces Airbag Contest! DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice- president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!" Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his 1997 Pontiac LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the accident. "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorraging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" --- Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong." --- Two young camels, a male and a female, once met in a remote corner of the Sahara. They found themselves immediately attracted to one another and a budding romance ensued. As this romance developed, they decided that they wanted to share their lives with each other, so they got married in a convenient oasis. At an appropriate length of time after the wedding, they became the proud parents of a baby boy camel and were ecstatically happy with their new child. Their only concern was that their new baby boy camel didn't have a hump. So they named him Humphrey. --- A young businessman was opening a new branch office and a friend sent a floral arrangement to help celebrate the occasion. When the friend arrived at the opening, he was appalled to find the wreath bore the inscription "Rest in Peace." Angry, he later complained to the florist. After apologizing, the florist said, "Look at it this way. Somewhere today a man was buried under a wreath that said, 'Good luck in your new location.' " --- A young man (I'll call him Gary) about 22 years of age went to the public beach at Atlantic Beach, North Carolina. Gary was a fairly good looking man with a healthy physic. He was dressed in the proper attire for a day at the beach. Gary wandered along the beach hoping to find a member of the opposite sex to talk to. All day he meandered up and down, back and forth, although he didn't have any success. Along about 5 o'clock p.m., Gary spots this man (I'll call him John) about a block's distance from him, with five women. As Gary gets closer, he observes that this man is the ugliest man he has ever seen. The young women with John were stunning beauties and were hanging all-round him. Gary couldn't help but look. John finally notices that Gary is looking. John goes up to Gary, introduces himself and asks Gary if he could help him. Gary tells John about what has taken place during his day at the beach. He tells John that he cannot believe John's good fortune, (John being so ugly and all) and asked him how he did it. John, being the good natured man that he is, decides to assist poor Gary. John says: "I'll tell you what. When you go home tonight, stop at the grocery store and buy a potato. When you come to the beach tomorrow, put that potato in your swimming trunks, then your troubles are over." Gary, overjoyed with this new information, stops at the grocery store on his way home. He buys the biggest potato he could find. The next day, Gary goes back to the beach and puts the potato in his swimming trunks. All day he meanders up and down, back and forth, and still he wasn't having any success. Again, about 5 o'clock Gary spots John. This time John has seven gorgeous women with him. None of these beauties were the same ones as the day before. Gary gets John on the side and explains to him that he cannot understand why the potato secret hasn't worked for him. John has Gary turn all the way around. Then John says to Gary: "Why you simpleton, you were supposed to put that potato in the front." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ STATE OF OREGON DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION BULLETIN NO. 92-07 Date: June 23, 1996 To: All Oregon Insurance Agents All Oregon Dealers of New and/or Used Automobiles From: Department of Transportation - State of Oregon Subject: Automotive Dimmer Switches 1. Pursuant to Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 92-07, all motor vehicles sold in Oregon after September 1, 1996 will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted on the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted by the passengers left foot. The switch must be far enough away from the left to avoid inadvertant operation or pedal confusion. 2. Included in the above Act, and beginning September 1, 1996, all other vehicles with steering column dimmer switches must be retrofitted with the floorboard mounted dimmer switch as described under Item 1. Steering column mounted dimmers must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will FAIL forthcoming Oregon State Safety Inspection Program which will begin on this date. 3. It is recognized, this will cause some hardships for the driving public. However, change is made in the interest of public safety. Oregon MDV ACT 298-99877 will revert all Oregon motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system used prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent study titled: "Initiation Sequence of Oregon Night Hours Highway Safety" by the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles, with the University of Oregon Department of Vehicle Research, showed that 43.6% of all Oregon night hours highway accidents are caused by a blond getting her foot caught in the steering wheel when attempting to dim the headlights. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ <<>>