Sunday Funnies 3/30/97 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 14k (approx. 7 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** Happy Saint Patrick's Day! --- What's black and wrinkled and hangs from the ceiling? An Irish electrician. Q.-If Tarzan and Jane were Irish what would Cheetah be? A.-Designated Driver --- "...For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name, He marks - not what you won or lost but how you played the game." --- Jeffrey Dahmer: the only guy in America who's baloney really DID have a first name. Q.-What did they find during Jeffrey Dahmer's autopsy? A.-Jimmy Hoffa --- Heaven's Gate suicide: I think the Green Bay Packers had something to with the mass suicide. Check out the Heaven's Gate web site. The G in Gate looks just like the G on the Packers helmets, and the word Gate is stylized to look like the Super Bowl trophy, named for the late Packers coach, Vince Lombardi. Also, the Packers won the Super Bowl this past January, the year of the Hale-Bopp comet. Hale-Bopp also has the same number of letters as Lombardi. The number of deaths, 39, is also significant: Subtract 3 from 9 to get 6, add 6 back to 39 to get 45. There are 45 players on the Packers roster. Add the digits 3 and 9 to get 12, add the digits 1 and 2 to get 3, The Packers have won 3 Super Bowls. The age of the head loon, Marshall Applegate, was 66. the Packers first Super Bowl win was following the '66 season. Geez, I'm starting to believe it myself. --- Tokyo, Japan Haiku Headlines of the Day... All the news that's fit to print in 17 syl- lables and three lines. diet coke breaks in east jerusalem just not popular like here mcveigh moved to an underground bunker. do you see an irony? wildcats dodge the tar pits to fight another day. nc quite shocked. --- Under-Age Computer Hackers: Generally speaking, moms are about as familiar with hacking as I am with the joys of baking bread. So for mothers everywhere, I humbly offer the following 10 Warning Signs that your Son or Daughter may be a hacker: 1.Your phone bill lists 1,987 household lines. 2.Your son tells you that his private interview with the Secret Service agent was for a social studies class essay. 3.You receive mail addressed to Phil E. Phreak. 4.The kid cheers Lex Luthor whenever a Superman movie runs on TV. 5.The CEO of a regional Bell operating company appears on your doorstep, sobbing uncontrollably and begging for forgiveness. 6.You find a copy of Phrack magazine hidden under the underwear in your son's bedroom dresser. (The Playboy magazine is next to the handheld scanner, of course.) 7.The kid asks for a Novell Access Server for his birthday. 8.The little silver-colored wheel on your electric meter spins so fast it flies off the unit, slices your neighbor's elm tree neatly in two and flattens a tire on a Chevy Monte Carlo three blocks away. 9.Your son's English teacher calls, sounding really curious, to ask why the kid selected the Oklahoma City phone directory for his monthly book report. 10. He names Robert Morris Jr. as his "Most Admired American." Forewarned is forearmed, as they say. Excuse me, the phone is ringing. --- *** 50 Things to do in an Elevator: 1.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP! 4.Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly. 5.Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there? 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming! 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. Censored by your son. 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on! 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness! 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops! 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty! 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper? 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say Ding! at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space. 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf? 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body. 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger. 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch! --- *** 20 ways to ruin a wedding... 1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds. 2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. 3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. 4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation. 5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist. 6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic. 7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person. 8. Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job. 9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. 10. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. 11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from. 12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations. 13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..." 14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out. 15. Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for stupping the bride. 16. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse." 17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car. 18. If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump. 19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp." 20. When the preacher asks if there are objections, question the leagality of same-sex marriages. --- *** 20 ways to ruin a funeral: 1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she have sex with you. 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. 3. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first. 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. 6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. 7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. 8. Ask the widow to give you an enema. 9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. 10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin. 11. Place a hard boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased. 12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. 13. Leave some phony dog mess on top of the deceased. 14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. 15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. 16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. 17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. 18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. 19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. 20. Tell the widow you've decided to give the $20,000 you owed to the deceased to charity, instead. --- World's most Bizzare Suicide: At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story. "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this." "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended." That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus." "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded." "The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide." --- <>