Sunday Funnies 10/06/96 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 5k (approx. 3 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- --- Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money. --- A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." --- Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home? Man: I sure would, when does she get off work? --- Five things men should never go out smelling like: 1) The five cartons of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night. 2) Patchouli oil. 3) Any aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red Riding Hood. 4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't evoke images of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in storage). 5) Anyone whose keys you don't have. --- Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about: 1) Heliconia and birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos. 2) Carnations. 3) Gladiolus. 4) Dyed daisies. --- Nine things people shouldn't do anymore: 1) Talk on a cellular phone in a restaurant. 2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers. 3) Assume that cigarette butts aren't litter. 4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00. 5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix. 6) Think that "black tie" always means tuxedo. 7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment. 8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side. 9) Pretend that love is all you need. --- Eight elements to successful entertainment: 1) A corkscrew. 2) Candles. 3) Garlic. 4) An '82 Bordeaux. 5) A deck of cards. 6) An umbrella you can lend. 7) A bathrobe softer than terry cloth. 8) An extra Interplak attachment. --- Eleven things you should try once: 1) Boudin. 2) Disney World. 3) Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again). 4) Reading Jane Austen. 5) Going to the movies alone. 6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without thinking that everyone is looking at it (wedding bands and school rings don't count). 7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror. 8) Yoga. 9) Going a whole day without eating meat or dairy. 10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious. 11) The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week. --- Four constructive approaches to thinning hair: 1) Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular, team spirit?). 2) Wear it short. 3) Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin. 4) Read Maria Riva on Yul Brynner. --- Nine Actions you should know how to do: 1) Tie a bow tie on someone else. 2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen. 3) Keep a secret. 4) Perform CPR. 5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself. 6) Console someone without platitudes. 7) Change a diaper. 8) Take a compliment with grace. 9) Drive a car. --- Nine things to remember: 1) The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes. 2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like you. 3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself. 4) It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day. 5) Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10. 6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else. 7) Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner. 8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life. --- Q: How many bears does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one. But it takes a lot of lightulbs. Don't drink and drive: You might hit a bump and spill your drink. "I love to go to Washington, if only to be near my money." Politicians can understand everything except for the people that don't understand them. --- A funeral home called Ronald Reagan and told him that a Democratic Supreme Court Justice had died, and they wanted to know if he should be embalmed, cremated, or buried. Reagan said, " You better do all three. It's best to be safe!" --- Garry: Only last week they took my poor brother off to the hospital. Larry: What are they going to do for him? Garry: They're going to operate. Larry: What for? Garry: Twelve hundred dollars. Larry: What did he have? Garry: Twelve hundred dollars. --- Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake? His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down. Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College Station? It was the 1938 hide and seek champion. Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans? Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill. Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial. How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig? He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars. ---