Sunday Funnies 10/13/96 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 8k (approx. 4 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- ........ To guests he is the gracious host, To children three he is "the most," To loving wife the perfect mate, To fellow workers he's "just great!" How SAD then that a humble friend Upon his promise can't depend, From east to west, from north to south, His name? You guessed it! BLABBERMOUTH! ........ Q. Where do fleas go in the winter? A. Search me. Q. What is the best way to get to the emergency hospital? A. Just stand out in the middle of the street. Q. What do sea monsters eat? A. Fish and ships. Q. Where does a sick ship go? A. To the doc. Q. What do fish sing to each other? A. Salmon-chanted Evening. Q. Where did the whale go when it was almost bankrupt? A. He went to see the loan shark. Q. Where did Noah keep the bees? A. In the arkives. Q. What do you call a man who can't stop buying carpets? A. A rug addict. Q. Who are all the fish of the sea afraid of? A. Jack the Kipper. ........ "To tell the truth, Doctor," said a hard working housewife, "I've always wanted to have a nervous breakdown. But every time I was about to get around to it, it was time to fix somebody a meal." ........ A tightwad was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time he received an acknowledgement: "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately." ........ Bill: Did you ever see a company of women silent? Mike: Yes...when the chairman asked the oldest lady to speak first. ........ A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man." The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail." ........ McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." ........ The ship was sinking. The captain called the passengers and crew together and asked, "Is there anybody here who can really pray?" One passenger said, "I pray all the time." The captain said, "That's terrific, because we're short one life preserver." ........ A woman says to the judge, "That's my side of the story. Now let me tell you his!" ........ The neighbor said, "I bought a used car, but it's almost new...it was used by a doctor only to make house calls." ........ There are so many malpractice suits against doctors these days, that if you want a doctor's opinion on something, you have to talk to his lawyer first. ........ Notice pinned to the door of a psychiatrist's office: "Doctor Has Been Called Away Unexpectedly. In Case of Emergency, Call Ann Landers." ........ A doctor had given his patient all sorts of tests and couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. "You've either got a bad cold or you're pregnant," he told her. The patient thought for a moment and said, "Golly, Doc, I can't think of anyone who could have given me a cold." ........ A hillbilly goes to a movie for the first time. He watches a love scene in which the hero kisses the girl on the forehead, then on the eyes, the cheeks, the nose, and then to the neck and the shoulders. The hillbilly says to the man next to him, "That feller sure don't know where to kiss a girl, does he?" ........ A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms." ........ Things are always going wrong with a house. Yesterday, my wife called the plumber and when he came in he said, "Where's the drip?" She said, "Upstairs trying to fix the leak!" ........ The first mate on a ship got drunk for the first time in his life. The ship's captain, a stern and rigid man, recorded in his log, "The first mate got drunk today." The mate protested against the entry, explaining that if it remained in the log without further comment or explanation it could ruin his career because it suggested that drunkenness was not unusual for him, whereas he had never been drunk before. The captain, however, was adamant, stating that the log recorded the exact truth and therefore must stand as written. The next week it was the mate's turn to write the ship's log. And on each day he wrote, "The Captain was sober today." ........ Q. What goes around a button? A. A goat. It goes around a-buttin. Q. What makes petrified trees? A. Perhaps high winds make them rock. Q. What does a Martian take when he's dirty? A. A meteor shower. Q. What do you get when you cross a spaceship with a magician? A. A flying sorcerer. Q. What do you call a spaceship which is always sorry? A. An Apollo G. Q. How did the astronaut congratulate his computer? A. By saying, "data boy". Q. What do you get when you touch a Martian frog? A. Star Warts. Q. What does an astronaut do when he gets angry? A. He blasts off. Q. What's moon juice called? A. Craterade. Q. Why do astronauts blast off at noon? A. Because 12 o'clock is the time for launch. Q. Could you get me a ticket to the moon? A. Sorry, the moon's full right now. ........ A man goes out and buys a 1995 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and cost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kinda car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 1995 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, "why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner, so the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a purty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 120. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going 2 times, maybe 3 times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP, and floorboards it hitting 225, passing it again." Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out, and is amazed to find, it is the old man! Of course, the old man is hurtin for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks, "You're hurt bad, is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" ....... *EOF*