Sunday Funnies 10/20/96 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 10k (approx. 5 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- ...... Two men were sitting side by side at a bar, drinking. After a while one of them turned to the other and asks, "So, where are you from?" "Ireland," replies the other. "Ireland! So am I! What County in Ireland are you from?" "Mayo," replies the other. "Mayo! I'm from Mayo, too! What city in Mayo are you from?" "Achell," says the other. "Achell! I'm from Achell too!" Another patron sitting down the bar asks the bartender, "What's with those guys?" The bartender says "Oh, it's just the Danehy twins, drunk again! ...... Four high school boys, and girls afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said "First Question: Which tire was flat?" ...... President Clinton, George Bush and Gerald Ford were part of a foursome at the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic golf charity event in Indian Wells last week. Bush hit two spectators and Ford hit one. Clinton wasn't bothered by the mishaps. At $50 a ticket, he figured they HAD to be Republicans. One ball that hit a woman missed the hole by 75 yards, but Clinton, Ford and Bush all agreed that it was close enough for government work. Monday was President's Day, or as it is better known, the Spectacular Annual Mattress Clearance Sale Day. Millions of Americans paid tribute to our nations President's in a most fitting manner - by doing nothing. President Clinton failed to bring owners and players together in the baseball strike. They figured, why smoke the peace pipe with a guy who doesn't inhale? ...... Dear sir, I write this note to you, to tell you of my plight. For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight, Me body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray, And I write this note to say why I am not at work today. While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear, But throwing them down from such a height, was not a good idear. The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sort, And he made me cart them down the bloody ladders bend me heart. Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow, So I hoisted up a barrel, and secured the rope below, But in me haste, to do the job, I was to blind to see, That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me. As soon as I'd untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead, And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead. I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found, That halfway up I met that bloody barrel coming down. It severed me left shoulder, as toward the ground it sped, And as I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head. But I clung on tightly not with shock, from this almighty blow, As the barrel spilled out half its bricks, some 14 floors below. I now outweighed the barrel and fell towards the floor, And the barrel having spilled its bricks, started up once more, As I sped toward the ground, me body wracked with pain, And halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again. The force of this collision, halfway down the office block, Caused multiple abrasions, and a nasty case of shock, But I clung on tightly to the rope, as I fell towards the ground, And there I landed on the broken bricks the barrel'd scattered round. As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I thought I'd past the worst, But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst. A shower of bricks rained down on me, I did not have a hope, and as I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go of the bloody rope. The barrel now being heavier, started down once more, And landed right across me, as I lay there on the floor, It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I write this note to say, I hope you'll understand why I'm not at work today. -Author Unknown ...... People say I'm apathetic but I just don't care... I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken... I'm having amnesia and deja vu' at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before! Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be... ...... If the right half of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handed people are in their right minds. Everyone is born right-handed, but only a few overcome it. Do not believe in miracles - - RELY on them! Dimensions are always expressed in the least usable term(s): Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it late. A software engineer is a machine that converts coffee to computer code. The first myth of management is that it exists. People are always available for work in the past tense. Those who can - - do Those who can't - - teach Those who cannot teach - - administrate. A transistor protected by a fast-blowing fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. You will always find something in the last place you look. Variables won't; constants aren't. All the good ones are taken. "If you cannot convince them, confuse them." Harry S. Truman He who shouts the loudest has the floor. Government expands to absorb revenue....and then some. If builders built buildings like programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. In America, it's not how much it cost, but how much you saved. ...... Two shipwrecked sailors were adrift on a raft for days. Finally, in desperation, one knelt down and began to pray. "Oh, Lord, I know I haven't led a good life. I've drunk too much. I've lied. I've cheated. I've gambled. I've caroused with women. I've done many bad things but Lord if you'll save me, I promise-", " Don't say another word!" shouted his shipmate, " I think I just spotted land!" ...... Preliminary Draft of the DSM-V Committee on Cyberdisorders The Cyber Disorders section includes disorders that have a dependency upon cyberexistance as the predominant feature. The section is divided into three parts. The first part describes e-mail episodes that serve as the building blocks for the disorder diagnoses. The second part describes the Cyber Disorders themselves. The criteria sets for most of the Cyber Disorders require the presence or absence of the e-mail episodes described in the first part of the section. The third part includes the specifiers that describe either the most recent e-mail episode, or the course of recurrent episodes. The Cyber Disorders are divided into Posting Disorders, Flaming Disorders and CC Disorders. The Posting Disorders (i.e. Lurking Disorder, Chronic Posting Disorder and Posting Disorder not Otherwise Specified) are disting- uished fromthe Flaming Disorders by the fact that there is no history of ever having posted a Flame, or Flame-with-Apology. CC Disorders (CC-All Disorder and Spam Disorder) may include episodes of Chronic Posting, Flames, and/or Flame-With-Apologies but can be distinguished by the number of addressees. Lurking Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of lurking (i.e. at least two weeks of lurking or loss of interest in answering mail accompanied by at least four additional symptoms of Lurking including high on-line time balances, walking away from the computer while logged on, composing posts and deleting them without sending them, etc.) Chronic Posting Disorder is characterized by at least 4 weeks of posting to a newsgroup or listserv more days than not, accompanied by additional Cyber symptoms such as checking mail several times per day, posts in which the content is shorter than the message header or sig, and messages of extreme anxiety when list volume drops. Posting Disorder not Otherwise Specified is included for coding disorders with posting features that do not meet the criteria for Lurking Disorder or Chronic Posting Disorder. Flaming Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of hot-tempered posts, usually posted within seconds of receiving the 'trigger' message, but can be distinguished from the Flame-With-Apology in that the sender has a sincere belief that he/she is 100% correct and morally entitled to his/her feelings of outrage. Flaming Disorder is often accompanied by Chronic Posting Disorder. Flame-With-Apology Disorder is a milder form of the Flaming Disorder, in which the poster sincerely apologizes for the first portion of the message and yet sends it anyway. A variation of Flame-With-Apology exists in which posters staunchly defend their position for 3 to 4 days, then abruptly back down and revert to Chronic Posting or Lurking. The specifiers described in the third part of the section are provided to increase diagnostic specificity, create more homogeneous subgroups, assist in treatment selection, and improve the prediction of prognosis. Some of the specifiers describe the current or most recent episode (i.e. Pine, Elm, Anonymous, With Humorous Features, and With Uncomplicated Internet Access). *Originally from: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" *EOF*