Sunday Funnies 10/27/96 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 17k (approx. 9 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- A relative learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave him a Hoover. A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible." A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden. A man said that his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. My husband wants to go camping so he can hear the call of the wild. I told him that he could hear it for free if he'd just stay home sometimes with the kids. --- If it hadn't been for baseball in the 30's and 40's, Mark would never have learned to diaper his children. He explained it this way: "Spread the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond, with you at the bat. Then, fold second base down to home plate and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third base together and pin. In case of rain you gotta start all over again!" --- A boy of six, visiting the country for the first time, came running to his mother. Bubbling over with excitement, he said, "I just saw a man who makes horses." "Are you certain?" "Yup. The horse was almost done; the man was just nailing on his back feet!" --- Mother1: "How's your son doing? Is he one of the bright young men in this area that is going to college on a scholarship?" Mother2: "No. He's going on a second mortgage." --- To be is to do. J.P.Sartre To be is to do. Descartes To be is to do. I.Kant To do is to be. J.P.Sartre To do is to be. Nietszche To do is to be. Plato Do be do be do. Frank Sinatra To be or not to be. William Shakespeare Scooby Dooby Doo. Scooby Doo Yabba Dabba Doo. Fred Flintstone Inka Dinka Doo Jimmy Durante Boo Boo Be Doop Betty Boop Boop Boop A Doop Betty Boop De do do do, de da da da. The Police Doo Wah Diddy. Manfred Mann Do be a Do Bee, don't be a Don't Bee. Miss "?" from Romper Room The way you do the things you do. The Temptations A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom. Little Richard A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom. Grease 222B Baker Street. Address next door to Sherlock Holmes 222B or not 222B. S'one confused about S.Holmes' address Da da da dum. Ludwig Van Beethoven Dada baba. A child learning to speak Dum dum dum dum. The sound of the Energizer Bunny Pom pom pom pom. Flowers singing in Alice in Wonderland Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do. Musical scale Doe Ray Me Far Sew La Tea Doe. The Sound of Music ...give...me you...an...swer...dooo... HAL 9000 Just Do It. Nike Just Do Do. Nike bumper sticker (found in Oregon) Cockadoodle, I say doodle, do, son. Foghorn Leghorn Hey Boo Boo. Yogi Bear ...sing this song: Doo-dah, Doo-dah. Camptown Races Do Be Wah. Peter Frampton Do be do be do da day Stevie Wonder Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do Zippety Do-Dah, Zippety-ay. Uncle Remus (Songs of the South) Day-O. Daaaaaayyyy-Oh. Harry Belafonte Doobie oobie walla, doobie abba nabba. Good morning Starshine (from Hair) --- I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh, not deprived but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. --- An Intel Pentium engineer goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and says "That'll be five dollars." The engineer slaps a five dollar bill onto the bar and says, "Keep the change." ___ * 31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life * 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth or the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* the letterhead. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers. 4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 5. You disdain people who use low baud rates. 6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. 9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. 12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-). 13. You back up your data every day. 14. Your wife asks you to pick up some mini pads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse. 15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. 18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts. 19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. 20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes. 23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are. 25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old. 26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. 29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad. 30. You understand what Geordi is talking about on Star Trek:The Next Generation, and can correct him when he says something that is obviously incorrect. 31. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that yougo lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. --- Life's briefest moment is the time between reading the sign on the freeway and realizing you just missed your exit. --- Jack: "Suppose you were in a car all by yourself and a gang of hoodlums followed you at 75 miles per hour. What would you do?" Pete: "At least 85." --- Host: "Our dog is just like one of the family." Guest: "Yes, I can see the resemblance." --- CONSCIENCE: - keeps more people awake than coffee. - is like a baby - it has to go to sleep before you can. - is a device that doesn't keep you from doing something: it just keeps you from enjoying it. - is that inner voice that warns you that someone is looking. - is what makes you tell your wife before someone else does. - is a playback of the still small voice that told you not to do it in the first place. --- A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered. "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He again dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?" --- The Stock Market this week: Helium was up, Feathers were down, and paper was stationery. Weights were up in heavy trading. Fluorescent tubes were down in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows were steered into a bull market. Pencils were down a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators were up. Escalators experienced a slight decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Pain relievers soared. Diapers were unchanged. --- Husband: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary woes of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown. --- The story is told of a corporal who reported to a new regiment with a letter from his old captain, saying, "This man is a great soldier, and he'll be even better if you can cure him of his constant gambling." The new commanding officer looked at him sternly and said, "I hear you're an persistent gambler. I don't approve. It's bad for discipline. What kind of thing do you bet on?" "Practically anything, Sir," said the corporal. "If you'd like, I'll bet you my next month's pay that you've got a strawberry birthmark under your right arm." The C.O. snapped, "Put down your money." He then stripped to the waist, proved conclusively he had no birthmark, and pocketed the bills on the table. He couldn't wait to phone the captain and exult, "That corporal of yours won't be in a hurry to make a bet after what I just did to him." "Don't be too sure," said the captain mournfully. "He just wagered me 20 to 200 he'd get you to take your shirt off five minutes after he reported." -------------------------------------------------------- The Official International E'mailers' Smiley Dictionary -------------------------------------------------------- :-) :) Your basic Smiley / Grin. OO ( \/ ;-) ;) Winky Smileys. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. O- ( \/ :-( :( Frowning Smiley. User did not like that last statement. Lower jaw out. `' OO ( /\ :-I Indifferent Smiley. Better than a Frowning Smiley OO ( - >:-> User just made a really devilish remark. ^ ^ OO ( \/ >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. ^ ^ O- ( \/ %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight. Oo ( O :*) User is drunk ## ( o ___________________ ( ) ( Thought Balloon ) (___ _______________) (_) o OO ( User is thinking something o ___________________ ( ) ( Speech Balloon ) (___ ______________) \/ OO ( User is saying something o ^^ ( Very Happy \/ OO ( User is eating -( OO ` ( "Patooie" spit )o( OO ( Big "Patooie" Loogie! __o( (_/ OO \ ( "Wolf" Whistle - (o( / OO ( Tongue Out (Tired, or Phooey on you!) _ U OO ( Suprised . @@ ) Suprised - Looking Right . ____ ( )) oo / ( c Big Headed o OO ) Pucker Up ): \\\ <==< ( Space Cadet \/ &&& /,,\\ A Queen ( < ))) o. WWW /oo\\ A King ( ( ))) //o\\ ||| ___ /oo\\ ( ( )\\ Jesus //o\\)) ||| (__) OO ( Devil \/ (oo) ( Worried o XX ( User is dead - OO ( /o\ User has mustache and beard ||| ::: OO ( (_/o\_) User has "Handle-Bar" mustache OO ( Q Drooling OO ( My lips are sealed )-( \\\ OO ( Young kid - ____ ( ) | | OO Chef ( - OO ( Man with BIG mustache /|\ Ox ( Just in a fight o OO ( _ Hummmm or Smirk _/ OO _ ( _ Goofy Smile \_/ U -OO- ( Glasses o OO _ ( Bubble Gum Chewer (_\. OO ( Chubby (o( (_ _ _ (oo(_ ( You have blinders on o _ _ (--(_ ( You have blinders on with your eyes shut o