Sunday Funnies 11/05/96 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 20k (approx. 10 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS ========================== COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III --------------------- --------------------- -------------------- 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT. -author unknown --- From the Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition: Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: - On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up. - Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) - Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) - Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) - First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata: On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions - On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg) - On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) - On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas) - On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) - On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington) - On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon) - On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg) - On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) - On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield) - On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) - On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) - On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) - On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) - On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) - On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. ) - On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) - On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon) - On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney) - On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) - On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) - On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville) - On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) - And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington). Originally from: Kim-An Lieberman --- Boy Scout leader to troop: "Remember, fellows, if you're lost in the woods at night, get your bearings from the sky. A glow will indicate the nearest shopping center." "If scientists really want to end world hunger, all they have to do is figure out how my body turns two ounces of sour cream into five pounds of fat." "I used to watch golf on television, but the doctor said I needed more exercise, so now I watch tennis." Veterianarian to owner of new puppy: "Sure he comes with papers. How many bundles would you like?" --- This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. She's wearing a pair of headphones, and the stylist says that he can't cut her hair with the headphones on. She replies "No, you have to cut around the headphones, I can't take them off". They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her extra. She says, "That's ok, go ahead and cut it". So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the headphones, she's happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again. Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, "No way, not this time, this time I'm taking the headphones off". So he takes off the headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead. He wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and puts them on. He hears "breathe in... breathe out...breathe in... breathe out..." --- --- Suspecting that sys-op at the company we work for have this habit of scanning the headers of e-mail messages sent, we started using some controversial headers that would really tickle his imagination. What follows is a list of some of the better ones we could dream up: subj: Adult entertainment FTP sites list subj: Breaking down Unix system firewalls subj: Subscription address for Satanic Digest subj: Letting your friends use company Internet Access subj: Reporting management to the IRS subj: Formation of new trade unions subj: FTP rights for everyone: how to bypass company restrictions subj: Abo$% y@#r vir%s subj: SUBSCRIBE HUMOUR LIST subj: Management salary review subj: STRICTLY PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL subj: Sex talk via Telnet subj: Good news! subj: Online games via Internet Email subj: IMPORTANT: WIPE THIS FILE AFTER READING subj: How to generate a mail bomb subj: Automatic Digest: Church of Euthenasia sermon subj: Finding a better job through Internet subj: How to make a fortune selling company secrets subj: RE: Your application for emmigration subj: Offer: Second hand office equipment subj: Nude pictures of my sys-op's daughter --- A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway. She wanted to lay it on the line. A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed. "What's the matter, son," asked his mother. "Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet." "What do you mean `all wet?'" "I mean," he replied, "below C-level." A hotly contested ball game was in progress in a remote section of a Hawaiian island when a wild boar suddenly bolted from the woods and charged at the terrified outfielder playing left field. The fielder was lucky. At this precise moment the batter rifled a hit between third base and shortstop. The ball hit the boar amidships. The boar stopped in his tracks, then grabbed the ball in his mouth, swallowed it, and vanished back into the woods. The umpire proved he was equal to the occasion. He promptly ruled the hit an inside-the-pork home run. A hungry lion was prowling the jungle looking for something to eat, when he came upon two men sitting under a tree. One was reading a book and the other pecked away at a typewriter. The lion immediately pounced upon the man with the book and gobbled him up. For the king of the jungle knew very well that readers digest, and writers cramp. Thanks to Dave Coble :-) ------------ *Tales of woe from "Computer Tech Tales" ------------ --- The computer was having problems reading the disk. I checked the disk and found that it had a coffee ring on it. I asked who set their coffee cup on it and one guy raised his hand. I asked why, and he said "Well, I didn't want to hurt the table." ____________________________________________________________ Some years ago, I was working for Apple's Customer Service line, answering as many technical support calls as possible. Since this was before Apple offered "official" customer assistance, I often answered technical questions with the standard company line "Have you called your Apple dealer yet?" One day I received a call from an elderly woman, who wanted to pay her local utility bill. I told the woman that she had reached Apple Computer, and that she had probably dialed the wrong number; fully expecting that she would acknowledge her error and that this would be the end of the call. Much to my surprise, she countered "Young man, don't tell me where I've called, I dial this number every week and you can't tell me that I cannot pay my bill through this number!" I was stunned. I repeated my insistence to her that she had reached the wrong number. Still, she wouldn't budge. She had dialed the right number and come hell or high water she was going to talk to someone who could help her. I was exasperated, but being the quick thinking employee I replied, "My mistake ma'am, you are correct, you have dialed PG & E. If you just tell me the amount on your bill, I'll enter it into our records here." I made some keyboard noises in the background trying to sound as official as possible. "You're all set here Ma'am. You can just mail your check into us." There was a pause on her end. Then "Could you give me the billing address so I can mail my check to you?". Red alert!! "Uhhhh, Ma'am? Our address should be right there on your bill." "Oh yes, you're right." ____________________________________________________________ I run a computer lab at a large junior high school, and I also take care of the everyday problems that happen to Macs in the classrooms. Last month, the Science Department was able to get a 630 with an HP 560C for each science room. All was fine until I got a call from the teacher in room E-3. E-3 is easily two city blocks away from my lab, where I am frequently summoned to fix such problems as unplugged cables or an un-chosen Chooser on Mrs. E-3's personal PowerBook. This time, E-3's new printer wasn't printing. I really didn't have time to jog clear across campus for another nuisance call. I recited my usual litany over the phone. "Power? cables? chooser? - has anything else unusual happened lately?" "Yes," replied E-3. "The printer smells of mouse urine." I checked the calendar. It wasn't April 1. Then I remembered the last time I had visited that particular science lab. I had stepped in a glue trap intended for a classroom pet gone feral. "Yup!", I diagnosed. "Your printer has mice!" Having had some mice as lab mascots myself, I was aware of a rodent's tendency to chew. "He probably nibbled a wire inside." And that's exactly what was wrong. I presented myself to the principal and told him that if he didn't call an exterminator RIGHT NOW I would go to the SPCA and get a crew of cats. He did, I didn't, and now the only mice we have are attached to Macs. ____________________________________________________________ Customer called and mentioned that his modem was not dialing out correctly. I had him issue the ATH1 command to obtain a dial tone, when all of a sudden a local AM radio station began playing clearly on the phone line. ____________________________________________________________ We've got a bulletin board as part of our tech support that customers can log on to, give themselves a password, and download useful items. Customers forget their passwords all the time, and such was the case when this customer forgot his password. He called us up right away, though--he said he had no idea what his password might be. We looked it up; it was a woman's name. When I told him what it was, there was a silence on the other end of the line. "Sir," I asked, "Are you OK?" "Yeah," came the reply, "It's just... that was my wife's name... my ex-wife... we just separated." In tech support, we generally like to think of ourselves as being able to come up with a response for anything. Not so in this case. ____________________________________________________________ Some of our older systems have two different card cages in them: one for the proprietary system bus (processors, memory, major I/O controllers), and a Multibus cage. The cards that go into the system card cage are much larger than Multibus cards; you'd think a person could tell the difference. We had one customer where the sysadmin was prone to do his own hardware debug. He managed to fit one of the system disk controllers into the Multibus one time, despite the fact the board stuck out a good four inches! ____________________________________________________________ Caller: You've sent me a disk but it doesn't seem to fit into the drive. It seems to be an inch to long. Me: In order to make the disk fit into the drive, you have to make sure that the metal shield is towards the computer, and that the round wheel is downwards. Caller: Ahh That's better, but it still doesn't work. Me: You have to push the disk in until the blue button pops out. Caller: Oh God, now it works! How come you can't read that anywhere? ____________________________________________________________ When I started working here, I got myself all the computer accounts I needed, etc... including an e-mail account. I was given my passwords for all systems except e-mail. After about a week, I called up the appropriate person to find out what the problem was, and was told that my password had been e-mailed to me. Along the same lines, we have several satellite sites that use a dial-up access system to access our network (once again, including e-mail). One week, the modem servers crashed...i.e. none of the satellites could get into the network. The person working on the problem assured me that the satellites had been notified that the servers were down and were wouldn't be back up for another week or so. When I asked who he had spoken with, he said no-one....he sent e-mail to them. ____________________________________________________________ Back when the PS/2 first came out I was setting up a bunch 'o machines for a Big Eight accounting firm here in Chicago. Management at the company did not want their users having floppy drives because that was just another hole for a virus to enter their network. The funny thing about those old PS/2's is that the front of the CPU had the disk slot and eject mechanism even if there was no drive in the bay (later fixed, of course). Thus, we send e-mail out to everyone describing this anomaly and put tape over the disk slot. Needless to say, nearly every CPU had diskettes laying on the motherboard after only a month! ____________________________________________________________ Recently we were trying to talk one of our customers through an installation of an SBUS card in a Sun SPARCstation 20. About halfway through the install, at a point where we had the top off the machine and had been swapping RAM, moving hard drives, and moving SBUS cards around for a while, one of the people at the remote site commented that "funny things" were happening on her monitor. It was at that point that I realized she had never turned it off! ____________________________________________________________ A Mac user called me in shear panic. "My computer just turned off by itself", she said. Fearing the worse, I went to her office immediately. Once there I saw that her screen was blank, and I noticed that she wasn't wearing any shoes. She was also in a panic saying "I need my computer today. I have a BIG deadline. Can you fix it, please?" Instinctively, I investigated her surge suppresser and found it to be off. Apparently she removed her shoes to stretch her toes, and in doing so hit the toggle switch to the surge suppresser and cut off her own power. ____________________________________________________________ A friend of mine has a daughter who had started attending a university and had decided to buy a computer on which to complete assignments. Her father suggested she call me for some advice on what to buy, since he knew I worked with computers. I answered the questions based on her needs and thought she had a pretty good grasp of the fundamentals of what we had discussed about RAM, applications, windows etc. Until she asked.... Oh, and Mike, which is better, Hardware or Software? ____________________________________________________________ I thought my old SE was having some major problems one night. I mean I kept looking at the screen and periodically it would jiggle. I ran Mactools, I ran RAM checker software. I just could not figure it out. I looked for electrical interference, everything. I could not get it to do it consistently at all, it was very intermittent. After 30 minutes of struggling with this, I called my older brother who is an Apple certified technician. I asked him, and he went through the promptings. Then he noticed that I was eating some chips. He asked "How long have you been munching?" I said "about 45 minutes or so." He said, "Stop munching." Every time you chew something crunchy the monitor will appear to jiggle. He was right. Boy was I embarrassed. You should try it sometime. It really does jiggle! ____________________________________________________________ Current and previous issues of TECH SUPPORT TALES are available on America Online, eWorld, Speaker's Corner BBS (904) 448-2020, various newsgroups or directly from e-mail request at junkspill@aol.com. TECH SUPPORT TALES also appears in MacSense, the Macintosh ezine every month. Download it from http://ats4.colorado.edu/OLM/zines.html. Or contact them directly at MacSenseEd.@eWorld.com c 1995 Eric Hausmann. Authors retain individual rights. You are encouraged to distribute this document freely and post it to other online services & BBSs provided it is kept in its original state and remains unaltered. If you are interested in reprinting any part of TECH SUPPORT TALES, let me know & I'll have my people contact your people. --- *EOF* ---