Sunday Funnies 11/25/96 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 8k (approx. 4 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned. --- Q: How can you tell if your PC is still a virgin? A: The HIGHMEM is still intact. --- A mother of twelve was asked, "What is the worst thing you could get on your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning sickness," she replied. --- A husband made an investment, against his wife's better judgment, and lost a large sum of money. The incident resulted in a major, unresolved spat at the dinner table. Later in the evening, when both had cooled, the husband approached his wife. "Just so I'm clear in the future," he began, "would you kindly tell me the difference between your saying 'I told you so' and 'I'm not going to say I told you so'?" --- The kindly old lady was much impressed with the street beggar. "You poor man!" she exclaimed. "It must be dreadful to be lame. But you know it could be worse. It would be much worse if you were blind!" "You're tellin' me, lady," responded the beggar. "When I was blind, people was all a-time givin' me foreign coins." --- A young man was deeply in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day would be her birthday, and he laughingly said he would send her a bunch of roses, one for each year of her life. That evening he wrote a note to his florist, ordering twenty- four roses to be sent to the young lady on the first delivery the following day. The proprietor of the flower shop, looking over the mail in the morning, said to his clerk: "Tom, here's an order from young Mr. Higgins for twenty-four roses. He's a mighty good customer; let's give him a break and put in an extra dozen." And the young man never did find out what made the young lady so angry with him. --- Browsing through the personal library of a friend, a famous author spotted a book that appealed to him. he asked if he might borrow the book sometime. "You are more than welcome to read it anytime you like," responded the neighbor. "However, I have a rule that no book leaves the library, so you may read it here at your leisure." A few weeks later, the neighbor approached the author, after a heavy snowfall, and asked to borrow his snow-blower. "Certainly," responded the author, "but according to my rule, it must be used on these premises." --- George Bernard Shaw, tall and slender, was once told by G.K. Chesterton, who was noted for his rotundity: "To look at you, Shaw, a person would think there was a famine in England." To which Shaw sarcastically retorted: "Yes, and to look at you, he'd think you were the cause of it." --- Abraham Lincoln was once accused, during a debate, of being two- faced. "I leave it to you, my audience," he replied, "if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?" --- The preacher was preparing his sermon as his small daughter watched. "Daddy," she asked, "does God tell you what to say?" "Of course, honey," he answered, "why do you ask?" "Oh," was the reply, "then why do you scratch some of it out?" --- A fourth grade class, beginning their study of United States Presidents, was involved in a trivia quiz. When asked which President had a stuffed animal named after him, the class immediately responded, "Garfield." --- It seems Bill Clinton visited a nursing home last week on his campaign tour and stopped at a nursing home. He spotted an elderly lady and went and leaned down near her chair. She just looked at him without a sign of recognition. After an uncomfortable length of time had passed, he asked her, "Do you know who I am?" She peered at him closely, sighed and said, "No, honey, but if you go to the front desk they can tell you who you are." ------------------------------ An immigrant in Kansas was brought before the judge for a petty offsense. The judge asked the man if anyone present could vouch for his character. "To be sure, your honor, there's the sheriff." The sheriff looked amazed. "Your honor, I do not even know this man." "Your honor," came back the man, quick as a flash, "I've lived in this country for more than twelve years and the sheriff does not know me yet. Isn't that a character reference for you?" --- A couple traveled several miles down a country highway in silence. An earlier argument left both unwilling to concede their positions. Passing a barnyard of mules, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family." --- A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American: "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes," said the Dutchman. "We get red when we talk abou them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay." The American nodded. "I know what you mean. It's the same in the United States, only we see stars too!" --- A prudish lady once accosted Samuel Johnson shortly after publication of his monumental dictionary of the English language. Said she, "Dr. Johnson, I am distressed that your dictionary contains so many vulgar words." Replied Johnson, "Madam, I am immeasurably distressed that you actually looked them up!" --- A young girl asked her mother what "vice" meant. Her mother carefully explained it meant doing all sorts of bad things, and then asked why her daughter wanted to know. "Oh," exclaimed the girl excitedly, "I've just been elected vice president of our home room." --- A reporter was interviewing Sir Winston Churchill. "What do you say, Sir," he asked, "to the prediction that in the year 2000 women will be ruling the world?" Churchill smiled his wise, old-cherub smile, "They still will, eh?" --- A recent newspaper ad for a community college was headed: "Short Course in Accounting for Teens." Not long after it appeared, the ad drew on short letter, addressed to the school's president. "There is NO accounting for teenagers." --- As she watched her daughter drive away from the picnic area, my friend remarked, "I don't understand how teenagers can learn to operate a car. They can't operate a coat hanger yet." --- Did you hear about the high-tech ventriloquist? He can throw his voice mail. --- The wife walked into the bedroom where her husband was and said take off my dress. So he took off her dress. Then she said take off my bra. So he took off her bra. Then she said take off my panties. So he took off her panties. Then she said " Don't ever let me catch you in them again. <<<>>>