Sunday Funnies 12/15/96 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 21k (approx. 11 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** --- What disease do you get from kissing a canary. A canarial disease called cherpies and it is untweetable. --- A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks,"What took you so long?" He replies,"Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'" --- KT&T Communications, not be confused with AT&T Communications, has registered several new operating units in Texas. Those companies, "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "It Doesn't Matter", and "Whoever", charge about double the cost of some other long distance companies for operator- assisted long distance calls, the Associated Press says. The choice comes when the operator asks which long distance company you want to complete your call. "It's not deceptive at all," insists Dennis Dees, president of KT&T. Dees won't say how many calls his new companies has completed, but said "I Don't Care" and "It Doesn't Matter" were the most successful. --- A lady named Linda went to Arkansas to visit her in- laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pilsbury biscuit dough cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in. --- 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPLEMENTATION 'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, With hopes that a miracle soon would be there. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But Super Programmer (with a six pack of beer). His resume glowed with experience so rare, He turned out great code with bit-pusher flair. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name: On Update, on Add, on Inquiry, on Delete, On Batch Jobs, on Closing, on Functions complete, His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean. From weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word but went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, and then turned with a jerk, And laying his finger upon the key, He brought it all up and it worked perfectly. The updates updated, the deletes, they deleted; The inquiries inquired and closings completed He tested each whistle, he tested each bell, With nary an abend, all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded, The clients' last changes were even included. Yet the clients exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, It's just what we asked for but not what we want! --- Visiting the carnival midway, Doug noticed the fortune-teller's tent and popped inside. The room was done in somber purples, with a dull white glow coming from an ancient crystal ball. An old gypsy woman was bent over the orb, and she looked up when Doug entered. "Hi," he said in response to her stony gaze. "I'd like my fortune told." Nodding the woman said gravely, "I will answer two of your questions for one hundred dollars." "One hundred dollars!" Doug balked. "Isn't that terribly expensive for this kind of service?" "Yes it is," she replied, "And what is your second question?" --- I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heros. --- As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived in Heaven, she sought her husband, who had died several years before. "Excuse me," she said, approaching St. Peter, "but I'm looking for my husband. I wonder if you can help me." "What was his name?" St. Peter enquired. "Harry...Harry Jones." St. Peter stroked his chin. "There are many here who have that name. What else can you tell me about him?" Blurting out the first thing that came to mind, she said, "Well, the last thing he said before he died was that if I were ever unfaithful to him, he would turn over in his grave." "Ah!" said St. Peter, "you're looking for Pinwheel Harry!" --- Did you hear about the West Virginian that had eight vasectomies? He had to - His wife kept getting pregnant...... --- An airplane was forced to return to the airport after colliding with a flock of feece. Of course, as soon as the plane landed, the mechanics rushed out to take a gander. --- Two young camels, a male and a female, once met in a remote corner of the Sahara. They found themselves immediately attracted to one another and a budding romance ensued. As this romance developed, they decided that they wanted to share their lives with each other, so they got married in a convenient oasis. At an appropriate length of time after the wedding, they became the proud parents of a baby boy camel and were ecstatically happy with their new child. Their only concern was that their new baby boy camel didn't have a hump. So they named him Humphrey. --- An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enroll for a Latin course". The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?" "Ninety-three," was the reply. "Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?" "Well," the man explains, "I realise I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin". The Dean thinks and then asks, "But what if you don't go to Heaven and instead go to - you know - the other place?" "That's alright, I can already speak American". --- I went to my Doctor today. I said "Doctor, I keep seeing, Micky Mouse, Goofy and the 101 Dalmations....." He said, "Tell me Bill, how long have you been having these Disney spells?" --- A young businessman was opening a new branch office and a friend sent a floral arrangement to help celebrate the occasion. When the friend arrived at the opening, he was appalled to find the wreath bore the inscription "Rest in Peace." Angry, he later complained to the florist. After apologizing, the florist said, "Look at it this way. Somewhere today a man was buried under a wreath that said, 'Good luck in your new location.' " --- ------------------------------------------- A GIRL'S GUIDE TO GEEK GUYS By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat ------------------------------------------- So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a Geek. * They are generally available. * Other women will tend not to steal them. * They can fix things. * Your parents will love them. * They're smart. While they are often into alternative music, Geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting thQir Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, Geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the Geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation. Of course the best way to meet a Geek dude is through the Internet. All Geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many Geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength. You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, Geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, Geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic... If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a Geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the Geek dude, who sees himself in the Geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a Geek relationship. Of course, catching that Geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a Geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a Geek man: Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give Geeks a chance. Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your Geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your Geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor. The Geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most Geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize. To relax, Geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My Geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man. Many Geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your Geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are. Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many Geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. RememberG his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet. Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so. --- ...printed in "Women & Guns", Dec '91 issue The media, both entertainment and news, have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to responsibly own firearms for self-defense. Unfortunately, constant exposure to public image can affect self-image. That can be dangerous, whether the result is a woman who becomes anorexic or a woman who allows herself to be talked out of exercising her absolute right to effective personal protection. This Armed Woman's Attitude Test is offered in the hopes of putting some of the false images into a proper perspective. Please circle A, B, or C in answer to each question. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says, "The ultimate in feminine protection?" A. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA. B. Ultimate force equals ultimate personal protection. C. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is: A. All you'll ever need. B. Next to useless with nothing to back it up. C. The signal to "Fire!" The movie _Thelma_&_Louise_ was: A. An insidious Hollywood plot to stamp out femininity and glorify mindless violence by women. B. A female buddy film that included allegories of empowerment. C. A training film. What was technically wrong with the scene in _Thelma_&_Louise_ where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer. A. Real women would never do anything as tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche as pointing guns at a man, let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use. B. There is no Texas State Police per se, but rather a Department of Public Safety that includes a Highway Patrol; they do not authorize the .45 1911 auto for carry except by Texas Rangers; the ammo on the officer's belt was revolver cartidges in single loops, not appropriate auto pistol ammo in magazines. C. The dumb broads left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboards of the cruiser. [D. it wasn't a Texas State Police Officer... --regis] A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to: A. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you. B. Call the exterminator. C. Link up the belt feed to the M-60. You are discussing the depressing local crime statistics with your good-hearted neighbor, Ralph, who suggests that you buy a .25 caliber pistol for home defense. You reply: A. "Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless macho sexist brute force!" B. "An amusing suggestion, Ralph, but don't you think it's a little light for the purpose?" C. "Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me wimpy advice like that!" What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster? A. "Yeech! It would be an obscene juxtaposition of the icon of death with the symbol of nurturing!" B. "Uncomfortable and impractical, designed by males for females." C. "Not a bad idea, so long as it doesn't get in the way when you reach for the MAC-10 submachinegun in your shoulder sling." Define "male." A. The first syllable of "malevolance," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence." B. An individual of the opposite sex. C. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong? A. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that. B. At the lower-threat levels of the Use of Force Continuum. C. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. he ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire? A. None. It would be better to die than sacrifice moral victory by using "his" kind of force. B. As many shots as are necessary to stop the attack. C. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, when is the next time you'll get a chance like this to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings? Grading the Exam If 8 or more (80 %) of your answers were "A," it is time to check into a Reality Clinic. Perhaps the meek will inherit the earth, but only when the rest of us are done with it. If 8 or more of your answers were "B," welcome to the land of the well-adjusted adults who manage their own responsibilities with an appropriate level of power. If 8 or more of your answers were "C," don't feel too bad. Society may not have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in _Bride_of_Rambo_. <<<>>>