Sunday Funnies 12/29/96 Special Edition. ( G-Rated ) From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources *Caution: (printing) large file = 44k (approx. 25 pages). <<<>>> *************************************************** Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? *************************************************** *************************************************** Special Edition * Best of 1996 Sunday Funnies *************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. --- A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." --- Five things men should never go out smelling like: 1) The five cartons of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night. 2) Patchouli oil. 3) Any aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red Riding Hood. 4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't evoke images of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in storage). 5) Anyone whose keys you don't have. --- Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about: 1) Heliconia and birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos. 2) Carnations. 3) Gladiolus. 4) Dyed daisies. --- Nine things people shouldn't do anymore: 1) Talk on a cellular phone in a restaurant. 2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers. 3) Assume that cigarette butts aren't litter. 4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00. 5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix. 6) Think that "black tie" always means tuxedo. 7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment. 8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side. 9) Pretend that love is all you need. --- Eight elements to successful entertainment: 1) A corkscrew. 2) Candles. 3) Garlic. 4) An '82 Bordeaux. 5) A deck of cards. 6) An umbrella you can lend. 7) A bathrobe softer than terry cloth. 8) An extra Interplak attachment. --- Eleven things you should try once: 1) Boudin. 2) Disney World. 3) Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again). 4) Reading Jane Austen. 5) Going to the movies alone. 6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without thinking that everyone is looking at it (wedding bands and school rings don't count). 7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror. 8) Yoga. 9) Going a whole day without eating meat or dairy. 10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious. 11) The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week. --- Four constructive approaches to thinning hair: 1) Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular, team spirit?). 2) Wear it short. 3) Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin. 4) Read Maria Riva on Yul Brynner. --- Nine Actions you should know how to do: 1) Tie a bow tie on someone else. 2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen. 3) Keep a secret. 4) Perform CPR. 5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself. 6) Console someone without platitudes. 7) Change a diaper. 8) Take a compliment with grace. 9) Drive a car. --- Nine things to remember: 1) The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes. 2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like you. 3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself. 4) It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day. 5) Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10. 6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else. 7) Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner. 8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life. --- Q: How many bears does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one. But it takes a lot of lightulbs. --- Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake? His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down. --- Q. Where do fleas go in the winter? A. Search me. Q. What is the best way to get to the emergency hospital? A. Just stand out in the middle of the street. Q. What do sea monsters eat? A. Fish and ships. Q. Where does a sick ship go? A. To the doc. Q. What do fish sing to each other? A. Salmon-chanted Evening. Q. Where did the whale go when it was almost bankrupt? A. He went to see the loan shark. Q. Where did Noah keep the bees? A. In the arkives. Q. What do you call a man who can't stop buying carpets? A. A rug addict. Q. Who are all the fish of the sea afraid of? A. Jack the Kipper. --- Bill: Did you ever see a company of women silent? Mike: Yes...when the chairman asked the oldest lady to speak first. --- A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man." The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail." --- McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." --- The ship was sinking. The captain called the passengers and crew together and asked, "Is there anybody here who can really pray?" One passenger said, "I pray all the time." The captain said, "That's terrific, because we're short one life preserver." --- A woman says to the judge, "That's my side of the story. Now let me tell you his!" --- A doctor had given his patient all sorts of tests and couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. "You've either got a bad cold or you're pregnant," he told her. The patient thought for a moment and said, "Golly, Doc, I can't think of anyone who could have given me a cold." --- The first mate on a ship got drunk for the first time in his life. The ship's captain, a stern and rigid man, recorded in his log, "The first mate got drunk today." The mate protested against the entry, explaining that if it remained in the log without further comment or explanation it could ruin his career because it suggested that drunkenness was not unusual for him, whereas he had never been drunk before. The captain, however, was adamant, stating that the log recorded the exact truth and therefore must stand as written. The next week it was the mate's turn to write the ship's log. And on each day he wrote, "The Captain was sober today." --- A man goes out and buys a 1995 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and cost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kinda car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 1995 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, "why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner, so the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a purty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 120. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going 2 times, maybe 3 times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP, and floorboards it hitting 225, passing it again." Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out, and is amazed to find, it is the old man! Of course, the old man is hurtin for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks, "You're hurt bad, is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" --- Two men were sitting side by side at a bar, drinking. After a while one of them turned to the other and asks, "So, where are you from?" "Ireland," replies the other. "Ireland! So am I! What County in Ireland are you from?" "Mayo," replies the other. "Mayo! I'm from Mayo, too! What city in Mayo are you from?" "Achell," says the other. "Achell! I'm from Achell too!" Another patron sitting down the bar asks the bartender, "What's with those guys?" The bartender says "Oh, it's just the Danehy twins, drunk again! --- Four high school boys, and girls afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said "First Question: Which tire was flat?" --- President Clinton failed to bring owners and players together in the baseball strike. They figured, why smoke the peace pipe with a guy who doesn't inhale? --- People say I'm apathetic but I just don't care... I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken... I'm having amnesia and deja vu' at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before! Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be... --- If the right half of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handed people are in their right minds. Everyone is born right-handed, but only a few overcome it. Do not believe in miracles - - RELY on them! Dimensions are always expressed in the least usable term(s): Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it late. A software engineer is a machine that converts coffee to computer code. The first myth of management is that it exists. People are always available for work in the past tense. Those who can - - do Those who can't - - teach Those who cannot teach - - administrate. A transistor protected by a fast-blowing fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. You will always find something in the last place you look. Variables won't; constants aren't. All the good ones are taken. "If you cannot convince them, confuse them." Harry S. Truman He who shouts the loudest has the floor. Government expands to absorb revenue....and then some. If builders built buildings like programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. In America, it's not how much it cost, but how much you saved. --- Two shipwrecked sailors were adrift on a raft for days. Finally, in desperation, one knelt down and began to pray. "Oh, Lord, I know I haven't led a good life. I've drunk too much. I've lied. I've cheated. I've gambled. I've caroused with women. I've done many bad things but Lord if you'll save me, I promise-", " Don't say another word!" shouted his shipmate, " I think I just spotted land!" --- --- A relative learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave him a Hoover. A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible." A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden. A man said that his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. My husband wants to go camping so he can hear the call of the wild. I told him that he could hear it for free if he'd just stay home sometimes with the kids. --- If it hadn't been for baseball in the 30's and 40's, Mark would never have learned to diaper his children. He explained it this way: "Spread the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond, with you at the bat. Then, fold second base down to home plate and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third base together and pin. In case of rain you gotta start all over again!" --- To be is to do. J.P.Sartre To be is to do. Descartes To be is to do. I.Kant To do is to be. J.P.Sartre To do is to be. Nietszche To do is to be. Plato Do be do be do. Frank Sinatra To be or not to be. William Shakespeare Scooby Dooby Doo. Scooby Doo Yabba Dabba Doo. Fred Flintstone Inka Dinka Doo Jimmy Durante Boo Boo Be Doop Betty Boop Boop Boop A Doop Betty Boop De do do do, de da da da. The Police Doo Wah Diddy. Manfred Mann Do be a Do Bee, don't be a Don't Bee. Miss "?" from Romper Room The way you do the things you do. The Temptations A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom. Little Richard A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom. Grease 222B Baker Street. Address next door to Sherlock Holmes 222B or not 222B. S'one confused about S.Holmes' address Da da da dum. Ludwig Van Beethoven Dada baba. A child learning to speak Dum dum dum dum. The sound of the Energizer Bunny Pom pom pom pom. Flowers singing in Alice in Wonderland Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do. Musical scale Doe Ray Me Far Sew La Tea Doe. The Sound of Music ...give...me you...an...swer...dooo... HAL 9000 Just Do It. Nike Just Do Do. Nike bumper sticker (found in Oregon) Cockadoodle, I say doodle, do, son. Foghorn Leghorn Hey Boo Boo. Yogi Bear ...sing this song: Doo-dah, Doo-dah. Camptown Races Do Be Wah. Peter Frampton Do be do be do da day Stevie Wonder Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do Zippety Do-Dah, Zippety-ay. Uncle Remus (Songs of the South) Day-O. Daaaaaayyyy-Oh. Harry Belafonte Doobie oobie walla, doobie abba nabba. Good morning Starshine (from Hair) --- I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh, not deprived but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. --- * 31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life * 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth or the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* the letterhead. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers. 4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 5. You disdain people who use low baud rates. 6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. 9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. 12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-). 13. You back up your data every day. 14. Your wife asks you to pick up some mini pads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse. 15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. 18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts. 19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. 20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes. 23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are. 25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old. 26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. 29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad. 30. You understand what Geordi is talking about on Star Trek:The Next Generation, and can correct him when he says something that is obviously incorrect. 31. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that yougo lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. --- Life's briefest moment is the time between reading the sign on the freeway and realizing you just missed your exit. --- Host: "Our dog is just like one of the family." Guest: "Yes, I can see the resemblance." --- A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered. "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He again dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?" --- The Stock Market this week: Helium was up, Feathers were down, and paper was stationery. Weights were up in heavy trading. Fluorescent tubes were down in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows were steered into a bull market. Pencils were down a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators were up. Escalators experienced a slight decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Pain relievers soared. Diapers were unchanged. --- Husband: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary woes of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown. --- The story is told of a corporal who reported to a new regiment with a letter from his old captain, saying, "This man is a great soldier, and he'll be even better if you can cure him of his constant gambling." The new commanding officer looked at him sternly and said, "I hear you're an persistent gambler. I don't approve. It's bad for discipline. What kind of thing do you bet on?" "Practically anything, Sir," said the corporal. "If you'd like, I'll bet you my next month's pay that you've got a strawberry birthmark under your right arm." The C.O. snapped, "Put down your money." He then stripped to the waist, proved conclusively he had no birthmark, and pocketed the bills on the table. He couldn't wait to phone the captain and exult, "That corporal of yours won't be in a hurry to make a bet after what I just did to him." "Don't be too sure," said the captain mournfully. "He just wagered me 20 to 200 he'd get you to take your shirt off five minutes after he reported." -------------------------------------------------------- The Official International E'mailers' Smiley Dictionary -------------------------------------------------------- :-) :) Your basic Smiley / Grin. OO ( \/ ;-) ;) Winky Smileys. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. O- ( \/ :-( :( Frowning Smiley. User did not like that last statement. Lower jaw out. `' OO ( /\ :-I Indifferent Smiley. Better than a Frowning Smiley OO ( - >:-> User just made a really devilish remark. ^ ^ OO ( \/ >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. ^ ^ O- ( \/ %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight. Oo ( O :*) User is drunk ## ( o ___________________ ( ) ( Thought Balloon ) (___ _______________) (_) o OO ( User is thinking something o ___________________ ( ) ( Speech Balloon ) (___ ______________) \/ OO ( User is saying something o ^^ ( Very Happy \/ OO ( User is eating -( OO ` ( "Patooie" spit )o( OO ( Big "Patooie" Loogie! __o( (_/ OO \ ( "Wolf" Whistle - (o( / OO ( Tongue Out (Tired, or Phooey on you!) _ U OO ( Suprised . @@ ) Suprised - Looking Right . ____ ( )) oo / ( c Big Headed o OO ) Pucker Up ): \\\ <==< ( Space Cadet \/ &&& /,,\\ A Queen ( < ))) o. WWW /oo\\ A King ( ( ))) //o\\ ||| ___ /oo\\ ( ( )\\ Jesus //o\\)) ||| (__) OO ( Devil \/ (oo) ( Worried o XX ( User is dead - OO ( /o\ User has mustache and beard ||| ::: OO ( (_/o\_) User has "Handle-Bar" mustache OO ( Q Drooling OO ( My lips are sealed )-( \\\ OO ( Young kid - ____ ( ) | | OO Chef ( - OO ( Man with BIG mustache /|\ Ox ( Just in a fight o OO ( _ Hummmm or Smirk _/ OO _ ( _ Goofy Smile \_/ U -OO- ( Glasses o OO _ ( Bubble Gum Chewer (_\. OO ( Chubby (o( (_ _ _ (oo(_ ( You have blinders on o _ _ (--(_ ( You have blinders on with your eyes shut o --- News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned. --- A mother of twelve was asked, "What is the worst thing you could get on your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning sickness," she replied. --- A husband made an investment, against his wife's better judgment, and lost a large sum of money. The incident resulted in a major, unresolved spat at the dinner table. Later in the evening, when both had cooled, the husband approached his wife. "Just so I'm clear in the future," he began, "would you kindly tell me the difference between your saying 'I told you so' and 'I'm not going to say I told you so'?" --- The kindly old lady was much impressed with the street beggar. "You poor man!" she exclaimed. "It must be dreadful to be lame. But you know it could be worse. It would be much worse if you were blind!" "You're tellin' me, lady," responded the beggar. "When I was blind, people was all a-time givin' me foreign coins." --- A young man was deeply in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day would be her birthday, and he laughingly said he would send her a bunch of roses, one for each year of her life. That evening he wrote a note to his florist, ordering twenty- four roses to be sent to the young lady on the first delivery the following day. The proprietor of the flower shop, looking over the mail in the morning, said to his clerk: "Tom, here's an order from young Mr. Higgins for twenty-four roses. He's a mighty good customer; let's give him a break and put in an extra dozen." And the young man never did find out what made the young lady so angry with him. --- Browsing through the personal library of a friend, a famous author spotted a book that appealed to him. he asked if he might borrow the book sometime. "You are more than welcome to read it anytime you like," responded the neighbor. "However, I have a rule that no book leaves the library, so you may read it here at your leisure." A few weeks later, the neighbor approached the author, after a heavy snowfall, and asked to borrow his snow-blower. "Certainly," responded the author, "but according to my rule, it must be used on these premises." --- George Bernard Shaw, tall and slender, was once told by G.K. Chesterton, who was noted for his rotundity: "To look at you, Shaw, a person would think there was a famine in England." To which Shaw sarcastically retorted: "Yes, and to look at you, he'd think you were the cause of it." --- Abraham Lincoln was once accused, during a debate, of being two- faced. "I leave it to you, my audience," he replied, "if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?" --- The preacher was preparing his sermon as his small daughter watched. "Daddy," she asked, "does God tell you what to say?" "Of course, honey," he answered, "why do you ask?" "Oh," was the reply, "then why do you scratch some of it out?" --- A fourth grade class, beginning their study of United States Presidents, was involved in a trivia quiz. When asked which President had a stuffed animal named after him, the class immediately responded, "Garfield." --- It seems Bill Clinton visited a nursing home last week on his campaign tour and stopped at a nursing home. He spotted an elderly lady and went and leaned down near her chair. She just looked at him without a sign of recognition. After an uncomfortable length of time had passed, he asked her, "Do you know who I am?" She peered at him closely, sighed and said, "No, honey, but if you go to the front desk they can tell you who you are." --- An immigrant in Kansas was brought before the judge for a petty offsense. The judge asked the man if anyone present could vouch for his character. "To be sure, your honor, there's the sheriff." The sheriff looked amazed. "Your honor, I do not even know this man." "Your honor," came back the man, quick as a flash, "I've lived in this country for more than twelve years and the sheriff does not know me yet. Isn't that a character reference for you?" --- A couple traveled several miles down a country highway in silence. An earlier argument left both unwilling to concede their positions. Passing a barnyard of mules, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family." --- A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American: "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes," said the Dutchman. "We get red when we talk abou them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay." The American nodded. "I know what you mean. It's the same in the United States, only we see stars too!" --- A prudish lady once accosted Samuel Johnson shortly after publication of his monumental dictionary of the English language. Said she, "Dr. Johnson, I am distressed that your dictionary contains so many vulgar words." Replied Johnson, "Madam, I am immeasurably distressed that you actually looked them up!" --- A young girl asked her mother what "vice" meant. Her mother carefully explained it meant doing all sorts of bad things, and then asked why her daughter wanted to know. "Oh," exclaimed the girl excitedly, "I've just been elected vice president of our home room." --- A reporter was interviewing Sir Winston Churchill. "What do you say, Sir," he asked, "to the prediction that in the year 2000 women will be ruling the world?" Churchill smiled his wise, old-cherub smile, "They still will, eh?" --- A recent newspaper ad for a community college was headed: "Short Course in Accounting for Teens." Not long after it appeared, the ad drew on short letter, addressed to the school's president. "There is NO accounting for teenagers." --- As she watched her daughter drive away from the picnic area, my friend remarked, "I don't understand how teenagers can learn to operate a car. They can't operate a coat hanger yet." --- Did you hear about the high-tech ventriloquist? He can throw his voice mail. --- What disease do you get from kissing a canary. A canarial disease called cherpies and it is untweetable. --- A lady named Linda went to Arkansas to visit her in- laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pilsbury biscuit dough cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in. --- Visiting the carnival midway, Doug noticed the fortune-teller's tent and popped inside. The room was done in somber purples, with a dull white glow coming from an ancient crystal ball. An old gypsy woman was bent over the orb, and she looked up when Doug entered. "Hi," he said in response to her stony gaze. "I'd like my fortune told." Nodding the woman said gravely, "I will answer two of your questions for one hundred dollars." "One hundred dollars!" Doug balked. "Isn't that terribly expensive for this kind of service?" "Yes it is," she replied, "And what is your second question?" --- As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived in Heaven, she sought her husband, who had died several years before. "Excuse me," she said, approaching St. Peter, "but I'm looking for my husband. I wonder if you can help me." "What was his name?" St. Peter enquired. "Harry...Harry Jones." St. Peter stroked his chin. "There are many here who have that name. What else can you tell me about him?" Blurting out the first thing that came to mind, she said, "Well, the last thing he said before he died was that if I were ever unfaithful to him, he would turn over in his grave." "Ah!" said St. Peter, "you're looking for Pinwheel Harry!" --- Did you hear about the West Virginian that had eight vasectomies? He had to - His wife kept getting pregnant...... --- An airplane was forced to return to the airport after colliding with a flock of feece. Of course, as soon as the plane landed, the mechanics rushed out to take a gander. --- Two young camels, a male and a female, once met in a remote corner of the Sahara. They found themselves immediately attracted to one another and a budding romance ensued. As this romance developed, they decided that they wanted to share their lives with each other, so they got married in a convenient oasis. At an appropriate length of time after the wedding, they became the proud parents of a baby boy camel and were ecstatically happy with their new child. Their only concern was that their new baby boy camel didn't have a hump. So they named him Humphrey. --- An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enroll for a Latin course". The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?" "Ninety-three," was the reply. "Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?" "Well," the man explains, "I realise I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin". The Dean thinks and then asks, "But what if you don't go to Heaven and instead go to - you know - the other place?" "That's alright, I can already speak American". --- A young businessman was opening a new branch office and a friend sent a floral arrangement to help celebrate the occasion. When the friend arrived at the opening, he was appalled to find the wreath bore the inscription "Rest in Peace." Angry, he later complained to the florist. After apologizing, the florist said, "Look at it this way. Somewhere today a man was buried under a wreath that said, 'Good luck in your new location.' " --- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The 9 Types of Boyfriends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction == ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The 9 Types of Girlfriends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you -- When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal -- *EOF* <<<>>>