Sunday Funnies Special Edition : Laws of Human Nature

From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources...

*Caution: (printing) large file = 63k (approx. 31 pages).

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* Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today?
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* Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor.
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Listing of assorted laws of human nature...
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       Cartoon Laws
       Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin

Cartoon Law I.

      Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
        aware of its situation.

                Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
                He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
                chances to look down.  At this point, the familiar principle
                of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II.

     Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
        intervenes suddenly.

                Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
                characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
                telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
                motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
                termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III.

    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
        conforming to its perimeter.

                Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
                speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
                reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
                directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
                perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or matrimony often
                catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV.

     The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
        than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
        ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

                Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
                it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V.

      All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

                Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
                propel them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky
                noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
                upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
                the crest of a flagpole.  The feet of a character who is
                running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
                the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI.

     As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

                This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
                which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
                cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously.  This
                effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
                being throttled.  A 'wacky' character has the option of self-
                replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
                walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII.

    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
        tunnel entrances; others cannot.

                This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but
                at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
                wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
                him into this theoretical space.  The painter is flattened
                against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
                This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII.

   Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

                Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
                nine lives might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated,
                spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled,
                but they cannot be destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking
                self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

   Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX.

     For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

                This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
                applies to the physical world at large.  For that reason,
                we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law X.

     Everything falls faster than an anvil.

  Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

-From: paquette@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Trevor Paquette)
-From: baldwin@usna.MIL (LT Justin D. Baldwin <baldwin@usna>)

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   List of Laws

Anthony's Law of Force:
   Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
   Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
   corner of the workshop.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
   (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
   (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
   (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Arthur's Laws of Love:
(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
   remind them of someone else.
(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
   delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
   yourself in person.

Bagdikian's Observation:
   Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
   newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St.  Matthew Passion"
   on a ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
   A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
   by governors.

Barach's Rule:
   An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
   physician.

Baruch's Observation:
   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beifeld's Principle:
   The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
   receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
   he is already in the company of:
      (1) a date,
      (2) his wife,
      (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Boling's postulate:
   If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
   Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
   vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's Law:
   You always find something in the last place you look.

Boren's Laws:
   (1) When in charge, ponder.
   (2) When in trouble, delegate.
   (3) When in doubt, mumble.

Bradley's Bromide:
   If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
   committee -- that will do them in.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
   When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
   easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
   Ranger have handled this?"

Brewer's Observation:
   No good deed goes unpunished.

Brook's Law:
   Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Brooke's Law:
   Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
   discovers something which either abolishes the system or
   expands it beyond recognition.

Bucy's Law:
   Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Cahn's Axiom:
   When all else fails, read the instructions.

Captain Penny's Law:
   You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
   the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Chism's Law of Completion:
   The amount of time required to complete a government project
   is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
   When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:
   Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
   time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Colvard's Logical Premises:
   All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
   won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
   This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
   attracted to.

Conway's Law:
   In any organization, there will always be one person who knows
   what's going on; This person must be fired.

Corollaries:
   1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
   2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you
       really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Denniston's Law:
   Virtue is its own punishment.

DeVries's Dilemma:
   If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
   hits the paper.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
   The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in
   front of your eyes.

Ducharm's Axiom:
   If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
   yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept:
   Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
   Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what
   we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
   If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
   Corollary:  If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
   where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
   Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
   there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed:
   Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's First Law:
   If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law:
   No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
   someone eager to
   (a) misinterpret it,
   (b) fake it, or
   (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law:
   In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
   beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Finagle's Fourth Law:
   Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
   makes it worse.

Finster's Law:
   A closed mouth gathers no feet.

First Law of Bicycling:
   No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
   wind.

First Law of Procrastination:
   Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
   for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
   imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
   Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History:
   History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
   other.

Flon's Law:
   There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
   the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flugg's Law:
   When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
   world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
   The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
   instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
   Corollary:
      Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
      except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision:
   It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
   interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
   you.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
   Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
   meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
   Theorem.  To wit:
   1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
   2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
   3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can
   quit the game.

Fresco's Discovery:
   If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
   Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
   1.  An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
       direction.
   2.  An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
   3.  The energy required to change either one of these states
       will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
       much as to make the task totally impossible.

Ginsberg's Theorem:
   1.  You can't win.
   2.  You can't break even.
   3.  You can't even quit the game.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
   Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
   probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
   some useful work done.

Glyme's Formula for Success:
   The secret to success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that,
   you've got it made.

Gold's Law:
   If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Goldenstern's Rules:
   1.  Always hire a rich attorney
   2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.

Gordian Maxim:
   If a string has one end, it has another.

Grabel's Law:
   2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Grandpa Charnock's Law:
   You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Gray's Law of Programming:
   `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the
   same time as `n' tasks.

Green's Law of Debate:
   Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking
   about.

Greener's Law:
   Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder:
   Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
   average drivers.

H.  L.  Mencken's Law:
   Those who can -- do.  Those who can't -- teach.
   Martin's Extension:
      Those who cannot teach -- administrate.

Hacker's Law:
   The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
   nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hall's Laws of Politics:
   (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
   (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
       fixed.
   (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
       military spending, and conservatives social spending in
       their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor:
   Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
   by stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time:
   There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
   days before Saturday.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
   Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
   ruined.

Harrison's Postulate:
   For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hartley's First Law:
   You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
   on his back, you've got something.

Hartley's Second Law:
   Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Harvard Law:
   Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
   temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
   organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Heller's Law:
   The first myth of management is that it exists.

Hlade's Law:
   If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
   will find an easier way to do it.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
   Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to
   get out.

Hofstadter's Law:
   It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
   Hofstadter's Law into account.

Horngren's Observation:
   Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Howe's Law:
   Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
   The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to
   .....  to ........  uh ..............

Jacquin's Postulate:
   No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
   legislature is in session.

Johnson's Corollary:
   Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
   organization.

Kramer's Law:
   You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
   track.

Lieberman's Law:
   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
   `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks.

Lynch's Law:
   When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Mason's First Law of Synergism:
   The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a
   glut.

Meade's Maxim:
   Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
   everyone else.

Muir's Law:
   When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched
   to everything else in the universe.

Naeser's Law:
   You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
   damnfoolproof.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
   Cleanliness is next to impossible

Oliver's Law of Location:
   No matter where you go, there you are.

Putt's Law:
   Technology is dominated by two types of people:  Those who
   understand what they do not manage.  Those who manage what
   they do not understand.

Ralph's Observation:
   It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you
   are in a hurry.
   Corollary:
      On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first
      strike your toes.

Sausage Principle:
   People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
   either one being made.

Stewart's law of Retroaction:
   It's easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.


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FIRST LAW OF ADVICE:
  The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

FIRST LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
  The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.

SECOND LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
  The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

FIRST LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  Change is the status quo.

SECOND LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

THIRD LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
  A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by
it.

SECOND LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
  Any decision is better than no decision.

THIRD LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
  A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.

THIRD LAW OF SURVIVAL:
  To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

FIFTH LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
   Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization,
   but they are MADE by considering the benefits to the
   decision-makers.

PARALLELS TO MURPHY'S LAW:
   Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
   Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
   Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

PUTTS-BROOKS LAW:
   Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.


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Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL
EXPLANATIONS.  I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":

(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

(2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

(3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.

(4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.

(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.

(6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a
key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.

(8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is
impossible.

(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.

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    Augustine's Laws

Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which
he succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.

LAW NUMBER I:
   The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
   with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.

LAW NUMBER II:
   If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
   would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.

LAW NUMBER  III:
   There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.

LAW NUMBER  IV:
   If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.

LAW NUMBER V:
   One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
   output.  Increasing the number of participants merely reduces
   the average output.

LAW NUMBER VI:
   A hungry dog hunts best.  A hungrier dog hunts even better.

LAW NUMBER VII:
   Decreased business base increases overhead.  So does increased
   business base.

LAW NUMBER VIII:
   The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
   cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.

LAW NUMBER IX:
   Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum
   extent possible to make trivial ideas
   profound...........Q.E.D.

LAW NUMBER X:
   Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
   People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

LAW NUMBER XI:
   If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
   would get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to
   rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as
   much done since all the managers would fly off.

LAW NUMBER XII:
   It costs a lot to build bad products.

LAW NUMBER XIII:
   There are many highly successful businesses in the United
   States.  There are also many highly paid executives.  The
   policy is not to intermingle the two.

LAW NUMBER XIV:
   After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There
   will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy
   100 percent of every airplane's weight.

LAW NUMBER XV:
   The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
   cost and two-thirds of the problems.

LAW NUMBER XVI:
   In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
   one aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air
   Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year,
   when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra
   day.

LAW NUMBER XVII:
   Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs
   nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it
   always increases.

LAW NUMBER XVIII:
   It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not
   uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten
   for each factor of ten degradation accomplished.

LAW NUMBER XIX:
   Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
   there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to
   fix them.

LAW NUMBER XX:
   In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
   funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever
   change the administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.

LAW NUMBER XXI:
   It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.

LAW NUMBER XXII:
   If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
   stock, not selling advice.

LAW NUMBER XXIII:
   Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
   currently estimated.

LAW NUMBER XXIV:
   The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
   established project is accelerating it, which is itself the
   most costly action known to man.

LAW NUMBER XXV:
   A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
   athlete or a new canvas to an artist.

LAW NUMBER XXVI:
   If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed
   on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to
   chance.

LAW NUMBER XXVII:
   Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of
   rank.

LAW NUMBER XXVIII:
   It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.

LAW NUMBER XXIX:
   Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to
   their jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective
   results hang on about half a decade.

LAW NUMBER XXX:
   By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
   answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the
   questions.

LAW NUMBER XXXI:
   The optimum committee has no members.

LAW NUMBER XXXII:
   Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
   means of turning problems into gold -- your problems into
   their gold.

LAW NUMBER XXXIII:
   Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.

LAW NUMBER XXXIV:
   The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
   work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all
   distributed randomly.

LAW NUMBER XXXV:
   The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
   conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted
   in order to give the data authenticity.

LAW NUMBER XXXVI:
   The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
   dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.
   If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on
   top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would
   probably be a good idea.

LAW NUMBER XXXVII:
   Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you
   expect.  The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to
   expect so much.

LAW NUMBER XXXVIII:
   The early bird gets the worm.
   The early worm....gets eaten.

LAW NUMBER XXXIX:
   Never promise to complete any project within six months of the
   end of the year -- in either direction.

LAW NUMBER XL:
   Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.

LAW NUMBER XLI:
   The more one produces, the less one gets.

LAW NUMBER XLII:
   Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite
   testing.

LAW NUMBER XLIII:
   Hardware works best when it matters the least.

LAW NUMBER XLIV:
   Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
   westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones
   to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken
   electronics.

LAW NUMBER XLV:
   One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
   unexpected should have been expected.

LAW NUMBER XLVI:
   A billion saved is a billion earned.

LAW NUMBER XLVII:
   Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The
   other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.

LAW NUMBER XLVIII:
   The more time you spend talking about what you have been
   doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have
   been talking about.  Eventually, you spend more and more time
   talking about less and less until finally you spend all your
   time talking about nothing.

LAW NUMBER XLIX:
   Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.

LAW NUMBER L:
   The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
   chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four
   times as long as the official's who created it.

LAW NUMBER LI:
   By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
   more government workers than there are workers.

LAW NUMBER LII:
   People working in the private sector should try to save money.
   There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable
   again.


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     MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
     --------------------

 *  The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
    is to leave her with no hard feelings.

 *  Nothing improves with age.

 *  No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
    it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

 *  Sex has no calories.

 *  Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
    amount of trouble.

 *  There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

 *  Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
    you've got.

 *  No sex with anyone in the same office.

 *  Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are
    going to get or how long it is going to last.

 *   A man in the house is worth two in the street.

 *   If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
     follow.

 *   Virginity can be cured.

 *   When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually
     stops listening to him.

 *   Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

 *   The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
     the same ones she can't stand years later.

 *   Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

 *   It is always the wrong time of month.

 *   The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

 *   When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

 *   Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances
     are you won't either.

 *   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray
     for crop failure.

 *   The younger the better.

 *   The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

 *   It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
     that caused the trouble in the garden.

 *   Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

 *   Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a
     lot of frogs.

 *   There may be some things better than sex, and some things
     worse than sex.  But there is nothing exactly like it.

 *   Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

 *   Love is a hole in the heart.

 *   If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had
     gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog
     stands on the moon.

 *   Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

 *   Do it only with the best.

 *   Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
     four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

 *   One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 *   You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
     women.

 *   Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 *   It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved
     at all.

 *   Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

 *   Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than
     you.

 *   Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

 *   Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

 *   A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
     women he couldn't.

 *   What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in
     the stick.

 *   It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

 *   Never say no.

 *   A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love
     her.

 *   Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

 *   Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

 *   Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

 *   A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

 *   Love comes in spurts.

 *   The world does not revolve on an axis.

 *   Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
     eight are unimportant.

 *   Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

 *   Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

 *   There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when
     they fall in love.

 *   Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

 *   Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

 *   "This won't hurt, I promise."

 *   Leakproof seals...  will.

 *   Self starters...  will not.

 *   If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.

 *   All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

 *   If you try to please everyone, no one will like it.

 *   A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something
     to put in his mouth.

 *   There's never time to do it right, but there's always time
     to do it over.

 *   Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
     plunge into the Atlantic ocean.

 *   If everything seems to be going well, then you obviously
     don't know what the hell is going on.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

     More of Murphy's Laws

 *  A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

 *  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 *  A free agent is anything but.

 *  As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters
    turbulence.

 *  Exceptions always outnumber rules.

 *  Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

 *  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 *  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 *  He who hesitates is probably right.

 *  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 *  If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by  statistical
methods.

 *  If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.

 *  If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
    unreasonable.

 *  If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

 *  Interchangable parts won't.

 *  Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

 *  Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
    weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

 *  Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
    price.

 *  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

 *  No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
    session.

 *  No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

 *  No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 *  One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

 *  People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
    them being made.

 *  Progress is made on alternative Fridays.

 *  Quality assurance dosen't.

 *  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 *  The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

 *  The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

 *  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

 *  The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
    butter.

 *  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

 *  The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

 *  The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

 *  The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

 *  The one item you want is never the one on sale.

 *  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 *  The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
    keys.

 *  The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't
really
    know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

 *  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research

 *  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.

 *  Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

 *  Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 *  When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
    illegible.

 *  When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
    weeks to clear.  When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

 *  When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
    while all other coins will roll out of sight.

 *  Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
    incompetence.

 *  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 *  You never want the one you can afford.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

      MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
   ----------------------------

  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

  3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

  4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

  5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.

  6. Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammo.

  7. Veterans are predictable, it's the replacements that are dangerous.

  8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
     a. when you're ready for them.
     b. when you're not ready for them.

  9. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

 10. If you can't remember, then the claymore anti-personnel mine IS
     pointed at you.

 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

 13. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.

 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

 16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into
     quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.

 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

 18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

 19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

 21. Friendly fire isn't.

 22. If the platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

 23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay
     awake when you can sleep.

 24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map
     and a compass.

 25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

 26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

 27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just regrouping for a counter-
     attack.

 28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.

 29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

 30. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is
     watching.

 31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

 32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

 33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

 34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss.  Whenever you are low on
     ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

 35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be
     repaired.

 36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 37. Interchangeable parts aren't.

 38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

 39. There is no such thing as military 'intelligence'

 40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

 41. The one item you need is always in short supply.

 42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

 43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
     weapon's operator.

 44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

 45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most
     important ones are always illegible.

 46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up killed or wounded.

 47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what
     they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.

 48. To steal information from a person is called plagarism. To steal informa-
     tion from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

 49. The weapon that always jams when you need it the most is the M60.

 50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet

     is filled by some unqualified idiot.

 51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the emeny takes 2 weeks to
     attack.  When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack
     that night.

 52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the
     Congressional Medal Of Honor.

 53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of
     a plan, stupid enough to try it, and luck enough to survive.

 54. The enemy never monitors your radio traffic until you broadcast on an
     unsecure channel.

 55. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades
     always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

 56. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

 57. Never tell the platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

 58. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance to
     the nearest form of cover.

 59. Walking point = sniper bait.

 60. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where got tired of marching that
     day.

 61. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually
     a stupid solution.

 62. Recoiless weapons aren't.

 63. Suppressive fire works on everything but the enemy.

 64. You are not Superman, but sometimes thinking you are will save you ass!

 65.  Murphy was a grunt.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Nature sides with the hidden flaw.


Ralph's Observation:
  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object
  to realize that you are in a hurry.


Cole's Law:
  Thinly sliced cabbage


Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.


Firestone's Law of Forcasting:
  Chicken Little only has to be right once.


Manly's Maxim:
  Logic is a systematic method of coming to
  the wrong conclusion with confidence.


Moer's truism:
  The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's
  resemblence to being one of a sled dog team. No one
  gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.


Cannon's Comment:
  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
  had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.


MURPHY'S LAW:
  If anything can go wrong, it will.


Murphy's Corollary:
  Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.


Murphy's Corollary:
  It is impossible to make anything foolproof
  because fools are so ingenious


Murphy's Constant:
  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value


Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:
  Everything goes wrong all at once.


O'Toole's Commentary:
  Murphy was an optimist.


Scott's Second Law:
  When an error has been detected and corrected,
  it will be found to have been correct in the first place.


Finagle's First Law:
  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.


Finagle's Second Law:
  No matter what the experiment's result, there
  will always be someone eager to:
  (a) misinterpret it.
  (b) fake it.
  or
  (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.


Finagle's Third Law:
  In any collection of data, the figure most obviously
  correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.


Finagle's Fourth Law:
  Once a job is fouled up, anything done to
  improve it only makes it worse.


Gumperson's Law:
  The probability of anything happening is in
  inverse ratio to its desirability.


Rudin's Law:
  In crises that force people to choose among
  alternative courses of action, most people will
  choose the worst one possible.


Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
  You can't win.
  You can't break even.
  You can't quit.


Ehrman's Commentary
  Things will get worse before they will get better.
  Who said things would get better?


Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:
  Nothing ever goes away.


Howe's Law:
  Everyone has a scheme that will not work.


Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
  Once you open a can of worms, the only way to
  recan them is to use a bigger can.


Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations:
  Negative expectations yield negative results.
  Positive expectations yield negative results.


Klipstein's Law:
  Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward
  maximum difficulty of assembly.


Interchangeable parts won't.


You never find a lost article until you replace it.


Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
  The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional
  to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.


Lewis' Law:
  No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've
  bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.


If nobody uses it, there's a reason.


You get the most of what you need the least.


The Airplane Law:
  When the plane you are on is late, the plane you
  want to transfer to is on time.


Etorre's Observation:
  The other line moves faster.


First Law of Revision:
  Information necessitiating a change of design will be
  conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the
  plans are complete.
  (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)


Second Law of Revision:
  The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the
  further its influence will extend and the more plans
  will have to be redrawn.


Corollary to the First Law of Revision:
  In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus
  one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong
  way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
I.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight
    of its output.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities
     of the programmer who must maintain it.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
    detectable errors, which by definition are limited.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.


Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
  There's always one more bug.


Shaw's Principle:
  Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
  will want to use it.


Law of the Perversity of Nature:
  You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
  the bread to butter.


Law of Selective Gravity:
  An object will fall so as to do the most damage.


Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity:
  The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down
  is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.


Wyszkowski's Second Law:
  Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.


Sattinger's Law
  It works better if you plug it in.


Lowery's Law:
  If it jams - force it.
  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.


Schmidt's Law:
  If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.


Anthony's Law of Force
  Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.


Cahn's Axiom:
  When all else fails, read the instructions.


Gordon's First Law:
  If a project is not worth doing at all,
it's not worth doing well.


Law of Research:
  Enough research will tend to support your theory.


Maier's Law:
  If the facts do not conform to the theory,
they must be disposed of.


Peer's Law:
  The solution to the problem changes the problem.


  Beware of the man who works hard to learn something,
learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is
full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant
without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
    - Bokonon


  Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is in trouble again.


  You can lead a man to slaughter,
but you can't make him think.


  Don't get mad, get even.


Carson's Law:
  It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.


The Golden Rule:
  He who has the gold, makes the rules.


Mark's mark:
  Love is a matter of chemistry;
  sex is a matter of physics.


Korman's conclusion:
  The trouble with resisting temptation is it may
never come your way again.


Knight's Law:
  Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.


Maugham's Thought:
  Only a mediocre person is always at his best.


Krueger's Observation:
  A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil
service exam in order to work for the government.


Benchley's Law of Distinction:
  There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe
there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.


Harver's Law:
  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.


Schmidt's Observation:
  All things being equal, a fat person uses
more soap than a thin person.


Gibb's Law:
  Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.


Fools rush in where fools have been before.


Rule of Accuracy:
  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always
helps if you know the answer.


Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.


Wyszowski's Law:
  No experiment is reproducible.


Fett's Law:
  Never replicate a successful experiment.


Brooke's Law:
  Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.


The first Myth of Management:
  It exists.


  Spend sufficient time confirming the need and
the need will disappear.


Peter's Placebo:
  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.


Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
  People are always available for work in the past tense.


Wiker's Law:
  Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.


Clarke's First Law:
  When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that
something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he
states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.


Clarke's Third Law:
  Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic.


Segal's Law:
  A man with a watch knows what time it is.
  A man with two watches is never sure.


Weiler's Law:
 Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.


Weinberg's Second Law:
  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.


Hartley's Second Law:
  Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.


Beckhap's Law:
  Beauty times brains equals a constant.


Katz's Law:
  Men and women will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.


Cole's Axiom:
  The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
the population is growing.


Vique's Law:
  A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.


Jone's Motto:
  Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.


Churchill's commentary on man:
  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.


The ultimate Law:
  All general statements are false.


The Unspeakable Law:
  As soon as you mention something;
  if it is good, it goes away.
  if it is bad, it happens.


The Whispered Rule:
  People will believe anything if you whisper it.


The First Law of Wing Walking:
  Never let hold of what you've got until
you've got hold of something else.


  Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


Farnsdick's corollary:
  After things have gone from bad to worse,
the cycle will repeat itself.


Lynch's Law:
  When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.


Law of Revelation:
  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.


Langsam's Law:
  Everything depends.


Hellrung's Law:
  If you wait, it will go away.
   
Shevelson's Extension:
  ... having done its damage.
 
Grelb's Addition:
  ... if it was bad, it will be back.


Grossman's Misquote:
  Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.


Ducharme's Precept:
  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.


First Postulate of Isomurphism:
  Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.


The Unapplicable Law:
  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.


Witten's Law:
  Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a
need for them an hour later.


Perkin's postulate:
  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.


Harrison's Postulate:
  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


Conway's Law:
  In every organization there will always be one person
who knows what is going on.
 
  This person must be fired.


Stewart's Law of Retroaction:
  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


MacDonald's Second Law:
  Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
a number and give it back to them.


First Law of Laboratory Work:
  Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.


Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1.  If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2.  If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3.  If it doesn't work, it's physics.


To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.


The Sausage Principle:
  People who love sausage and respect the law
should never watch either one being made.


Horngren's Observation: (generalized)
  The real world is a special case.


Merkin's Maxim:
  When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.


Hawkin's Theory of Progress:
  Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong
with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is
wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.


Never attribute to malice that which is
adequately explained by stupidity.


Matz's warning:
  Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.


Gold's Law:
  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.


Lewis' Law:
  People will buy anything that's one to a customer.


Law of Reruns:
  If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.


Shirley's Law:
  Most people deserve each other.


Forgive and remember.


Woltman's Law:
  Never program and drink beer at the same time.


Gallois' Revelation:
  If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out
but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a
very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares
to criticize it.


Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:
  Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.


Allen's Law:
  Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.


Allen's Axiom:
  When all else fails, follow instructions.


Allen's Distinction:
  The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.


You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.


Avery's Observation:
  It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
pick up something from the floor while you get up.


Berra's Law:
  You can observe a lot just by watching.


Bicycle Law:
  All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
  A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
  A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
  A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.


Cohen's Law:
  What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on
the facts, not the facts themselves.


Colson's Law:
  When you've got them by the balls, their hearts
and minds will follow.


Comin's Law:
  People will accept your idea much more readily if you
tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.


Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
  If the probability of success is not almost one,
then it is damned near zero.


Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.


Goldwyn's Law of Contracts.
  A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.


Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
  No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while
the legislature is in session.


Jone's Principle:
  Needs are a function of what other people have.


Langin's Law:
  If things were left to chance,
they'd be better.


In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters,
  it's how much you save.


If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
maybe you just don't understand the situation.


Mencken's Metalaw:
  For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution;
and it is always wrong.


Sevareid's Law:
  The chief cause of problems is solutions.


Thoreau's Law:
  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention
of doing you good, you should run for your life.


Peer's Law:
  The solution to the problem changes the problem.


Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.


Lyall's Conjecture:
  If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.


Lyall's Fundamental Observation:
  The most important leg of a three legged stool
is the one that's missing.


Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules:
  Everything costs more and takes longer.


Klipstein's Lament:
  All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided
by payment of the invoice.


Klipstein's Observation:
  Any product cut to length will be too short.


Sueker's Note:
  If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.


Rosenfield's Regret:
  The most delicate component will be dropped.


de la Lastra's Law:
  After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed
from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong
access cover has been removed.
 
de la Lastra's Corollary:
  After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted.


Design flaws travel in groups.


  You can't fight the law of conservation of energy
but you sure can bargain with it.


Gerrold's Fundamental Truth:
  It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.
We couldn't stand the commercials.


Gerrold's Law:
  A little ignorance can go a long way.
 
Lyall's Addendum:
  ... in the direction of maximum harm.


Gerrold's Pronouncement:
  The difference between a politician and a snail is
that a snail leaves its slime behind.


  When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great
many friends. They never forgive the loss of their perogative.
               H. L. Mencken


  An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better
than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
               H. L. Mencken


  Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country,
it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
               H. L. Menchen


  Democracy is the theory that the common people know what
they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
               H.L. Menchen


  A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
               H. L. Menchen


Arcana Coelestica:
  Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to
that obtained by Christ.
  Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere,
may be happy.
               H. L. Menchen


Adultary is the application of democracy to love.
               H. L. Menchen


The Arithmetic of Cooperation:
  When you're adding up committees
    there's a useful rule of thumb:
  that talents make a difference,
    and follies make a sum.
               Piet Hein


The Ultimate Wisdom
  Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection
in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
               Piet Hein


Murphy's Military Laws:
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.


Murphy's Military Laws:
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.


Murphy's Military Laws:
3. Friendly fire ain't.


Murphy's Military Laws:
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone
   is an officer with a map.


Murphy's Military Laws:
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is
   that the enemy has already mined it.


Murphy's Military Laws:
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival;
   it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.


Murphy's Military Laws:
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions,
   the more likely your artillery will shoot short.


Murphy's Military Laws:
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.


Murphy's Military Laws:
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.


Murphy's Military Laws:
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.


Murphy's Military Laws:
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.


Murphy's Miltary Laws:
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used
    on abandoned positions.


Murphy's Military Laws:
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire
    is incoming friendly fire.


Murphy's Military Laws:
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take
    a shot at you, and miss.


Murphy's Military Laws:
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire.
    Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.


Murphy's Military Laws:
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.


Conrad's Conundrum:
Technologie don't transfer.


Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit
the national debt.
                         Herbert Hoover