Sunday Funnies Special Edition : 101 Light Bulb Jokes 2/23/97 From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 26k (approx. 14 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** 101 (G-Rated) Light Bulb Jokes... --- Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Q. How many Politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Five-one to hold the bulb in the socket and stand on a table and the other four to rotate the table. (This is the grandparent of all light bulb jokes, so it heads the list You can use it against any group you want to stereotype as dumb). Q. How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? A. They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb. Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 21, one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins. Q. How many people does it take to change a light bulb for one Jewish mother? A. None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time. I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone." Q. How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it. Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Zen masters carry their own inner light. Q. How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing. Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!! Q. How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway. Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A. 3. -Why 3? IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!!!!!! Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change. Q. How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. How long have you been having this phantasy? A. How many do *you* think it takes? Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it. Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb? A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark in here? Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded. Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, and the other 89 to come running in with new light bulbs. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Mac users don't change bulbs, they just click the bulb icon. A: One, but you have to replace the whole motherboard. Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just redefine "darkness" as the industry standard. Q: How many Microsoft technical support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That's a hardware problem. A: Two-one always leaves the company in the middle of a big project. A: One, but if he changes it the whole building will fall down. Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem. A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature. Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus. Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. Q: How many AI people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: At least 67. THE PROBLEM SPACE GROUP (5) - One to define the goal state - One to define the operators - One to describe the universal problem solver - One to hack the production system - one to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb-changing behavior THE LOGICAL FORMALISM GROUP (12) - One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in predicate logic - One to show the adequacy of predicate logic - One to show the inadequacy of predicate logic - One to show that lightbulb logic is nonmonotonic - One to show that it isn't nonmonotonic - One to incorporate nonmonotonicity into predicate logic - One to determine the bindings for the variables - One to show the completeness of the solution - One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution - One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb-changing behavior - One to call the electrician THE STATISTICAL GROUP (1) - One to point out that, in the real world, a lightbulb is never "on" or "off", but usually somewhere in between THE PLANNING GROUP (4) - One to define STRIPS-style operators for lightbulb changing - One to show that linear planning is not adequate - One to show that nonlinear planning is adequate - One to show that people don't plan; they simply react to lightbulbs THE ROBOTICS GROUP (7) - One to build a vision system to recognize the dead bulb - One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb - One to figure out how to grasp a new bulb without breaking it - One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket - One to organize the construction teams - One to hack the planning system - One to indicate how the robot mimics human motor behavior in lightbulb changing THE KNOWLEDGE ENGINEERING GROUP (6) - One to study electricians changing lightbulbs - One to arrange for the purchase of the Lisp machines - One to assure the customers that this is a hard problem and that great accomplishments in theory will come from support of this effort - The same one can negotiate the project budget - One to study related research - One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb-changing behavior - One to call the Lisp hackers THE LISP HACKERS (7) - One to bring up the network - One to order the chineese food - Four to hack on the Lisp debugger, compiler, windows system, and microcode - One to write the lightbulb-changing program THE CONNECTIONIST GROUP (6) - One to claim that lightbulb changing can only be achieved through massive parallelism - One to build a backpropagation network to direct the robot arm - One to assign initial random weights to the connections in the network - One to train the nettwork by showing it how to change a lightbulb (training shall consist of 500,000 repeated epochs) - One to tell the media that the network learns "just like a human does" - One to compare the performance of the resulting system with that of traditional symbolic approaches (optional) THE NATURAL LANGUAGE GROUP (5) - One to collect sample utterances from the lightbulb domain - One to build an English understanding program for the lightbulb- changing robot - One to build a speech recognition system - One to tell lightbulb jokes to the robot in between bulb-changing tasks - One to build a language generation component so that the robot can make up its own lightbulb jokes THE LEARNING GROUP (4) - One to collect twenty lightbulbs - One to collect twenty "near misses" - One to write a concept learning program that learns to identify lightbulbs - One to show that the program found a local maximum in the space of lightbulb descriptions THE GAME-PLAYING GROUP (5) - One to design a two-player game tree with the robot as one player and the lightbulb as the other - One to write a minimax search algorithm that assumes optimal play on the part of the lightbulb - One to build special-purpose hardware to enable 24-ply search - One to enter the robot in a human lightbulb-changing tournament - One to state categorically that lightbulb changing is "no longer considered AI" THE PSYCHOLOGICAL GROUP (5) - One to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb-changing performance - One to gather and run subjects - One to mathematically model the behavior - One to call the expert system group - One to to adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number of bulbs Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? A: None-just assume it's changed. Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's the electrician's job. Q: How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do that". Q: How many homeowners does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store. Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle. Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Tell me how it goes, big daddy, and I'll try to fake it. A: Eighteen, one to do it and seventeen in on the guest list. Q: How many rock guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 100-one to do it and 99 to say "Aww, I could've done that". Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight. Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light. A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want. Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but he has to do it three times. Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it. Q: How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 40-one to do it and 39 to complain that it's electric. Q: How many country musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five, one to do it and four to sing about how much they're going to miss the old one. Q: How many blues musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb there, and the other to play harp. Q: How many sound crewmembers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ONE CHECK ONE TWO TWO CHECK. A: I don't do lights, that's the light crew's job. Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine-one to do it, four to tape it, and four to sell homemade tie-dye clothing, pottery, and drugs out in the parking lot. Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind. Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times. Q: How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but he uses at least three bulbs. Q: How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many pro football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and one to recover the fumble. Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change? A: Eno. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. A: 2. One to screw it in and one to screw it up. Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking. Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better. Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We do not discuss this with ladies and children present. Q: How many dysfunctional family members does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Lightbulb? What light bulb? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you. Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof. Q: How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but he uses a chainsaw. Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A: None, lawyers only screw us. A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb... A: 65-42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers. Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, to leave the darkness of the cave and see the sun. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb? A: Why does it *have* to be changed? Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. (Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent). Q: How many Harvard undergraduates does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, to hold it in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around him. (Another classical open joke-it's been used for any group perceived as egotistical) Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q. How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None, they just keep everyone out of the room. Q. How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None-real men aren't afraid of the dark. Q. How many sorority pledges does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Sixty. One to change the bulb, 59 to clap and sing. Q. How many fraternity/sorority members does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. Q. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One, but 200 had to apply for the job. Q. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. Q: How many research professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well if I get the grant... Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes? Q: How many technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Oh, we have a graduate student here. He can fix it. Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why bother? Q: How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!! A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes. Q: How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Into what? Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb. A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff. Q: How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Dark? What's wrong with the dark? Q: How many Enterprise crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb? (OS versions) A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process. A: (long version) The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends. Q: How many doctor's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later. A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. Q: How many reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but he'll tell everybody about it. Q: How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they don't make Pampers small enough. Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Read the man page! Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic rock. Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they *like* it in the dark. ============================================================================== <<< eof >>>