Sunday Funnies Special Edition : Standup Comedian From http://www.ealoha.com - various sources... *Caution: (printing) large file = 16k (approx. 8 pages). <<<>>> ***************************************************** * Sunday Funnies * Have you tried your smile today? ***************************************************** ***************************************************** * Happiness is a computer with a good sense of humor. ***************************************************** Standup comedian... ----------------------------------------------------------------- I've had lots of bad jobs. I was a narrator for bad mimes. Once I worked in a factory that makes fire hydrants - it was an OK job, but you couldn't park anywhere NEAR the place. I was driving down the highway the other day, and I say a sign that said "Next Rest Area, 25 Miles." I thought, wow, that's BIG. People around here must get really tired. My house runs on static electricity. To use the blender, you take off your sweater real fast. To watch TV, you rub a balloon on your head. My house in on the median strip of a highway. It's not a bad place to live, but you have to be doing 60 to get out of your driveway. When I was a baby, I kept a diary. The first entry is: "Day One: Still tired from the move." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety. I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body - a tattoo of myself. Only taller. The other day I went into the general store because I wasn't looking for anything specific. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman". I have a very large collection of sea shells. Maybe you've seen it - I keep it scattered over the beaches all over the world. I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it. I got arrested the other day....for scalping the low numbers at the deli counter. I'm the only one in my neighborhood who has a life-size map of the United States. When people ask me where I live, I tell them E-5. My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants....I use a megaphone. I like to tease my plants when I water them. I water them with ice cubes. I live at the end of a one-way dead end street... I don't know how I got there. At home I have a circular driveway.... I can never leave. I named my dog "Stay" ... now when I call him it's like: "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay." Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? I hate it when my foot falls alseep during the day, becasue I know it will be up all night. Ya'know that feeling when your leaning way back in a chair... * You start to FALL BACKWARDS! * But you catch yourself at the last second! I feel like that all the time.... I was walking down the street the other day when I saw this guy with two wooden legs But real feet When I was seven, my parents moved to Texas. When I was nine, I found them. I got a new apartment a while back. On the wall is this light switch that didn't turn anything on. Everyday, I came home and flicked it on and off. Six months later, I get a letter from a lady in Germany that says, "Cut it out." I knew a guy who installed a telephone answering machine on his car phone. His message was, "I can't answer your call right now because I'm IN. Next time I'm OUT I'll return your call." I like to pick up hitchikers and say things like.... "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?" and "Put your seat belt on. I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon once, but I think I can do it." The guy said, "I like picking up H.-H'ers, and then look straight ahead with out speaking at all. Then after a while, look at the victim and give evil laugh, and grin at them." I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney, ... My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? He said "I don't know". I said "I don't want your job". When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So I got some flip-up contact lenses. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long." Today I ........ No, that wasn't me. Four years ago ........... No, it was yesterday. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] ... and says "Here, you can go." I went fishing with a dotted line ... I caught every other fish. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I just bought a microwave fireplace ... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes ... I recently bought some instant water, but I didn't know what to add Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other side said "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... they said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait ..." I have a friend named Dennis ... both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis ... he's a midget dwarf ... he's the guy who poses for trophies. I woke up one morning and looked around the room ... something wasn't right ... I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced every piece of my furniture with an exact replica ... I couldn't believe it ... I got my roommate and showed him, I said "Look at this, everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" ... He said, "Do I know you?" Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town ... they mail it to me. Last week, I got on the bus and sat next to this beautiful blond Oriental girl. I have a map of the United States. It's full scale. It says on the side: "one inch equals one inch." Last Summer I folded it. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang "Happy Birthday." She said "I'm a nymphomaniac that only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Dianne." "Hello, Dianne," I said, "My name is Bucky Goldstein." Yesterday I came home and accidentally put my car key in my front door. The house started, and I drove it around for awhile. A cop pulled me over for speeding and asked "Where do you live?" I said "Right here." I met this girl in Macy's. She was shopping, and I was putting slinkeys on the escalator. Having sex with Rachel...is AMAZING. It's like going to a concert, it really is. She screams a lot ... She throws frisbees around the room ... When she wants more, she lights a match. We went camping and laid around in the woods and stuff. I don't know how she managed it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it is if she thought about sandpaper. I saw a bird outside and I said "do you want some breakfast? I'm having eggs .. oh, sorry. I just bought a harmonica, but the only way I could get it to play was by driving at 50 mph and holding it out the window. Last week I put a new engine in my car. I didn't take the old one out. Now I can drive 900 mph. The harmonica sounds terrific. I tried to daydream...but my mind kept wandering... I was in the store the otherday...a salesperson came up to me and said,"Can I help you?" I said,"Yea...give me what I need." She said," I don't know what you need.." I said, "you started it.." [Looking around the floor] "I think I lost a button hole". It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? I was hitchhiking the other day and this car trailer pulled up and offered me a ride. He said that there was no room in the cab, but I could climb into one of the cars in the back. So I'm riding along in my own car. He must have liked picking up hitchhikers, he picked up 7 more -- each had their own car. Then he got stopped for speeding and everybody got tickets. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Women -- you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em. I majored in Calcium Anthropology in College. It's the study of Milkmen. "I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils" When I'm driving down the highway, I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky, and smile................ in case somebody's taking a satellite picture. The other day I opened up a box of instant water......... but I didn't know what to add. I used to have a job at a lake. I taught young fish how to all turn at the same time. The other day I lost my socks. So I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. A guy asked me if I had the time. I said yes, but not right now. Walked into a bar and woman next to me said, "You have unmatching socks." I told her, "I go by thinkness." I took a vacation. I bought a postcard which had a picture of Earth taken from outerspace. I sent several to friends with the note Having a great time. Wish you were here. I think straw covers should be on the inside..afterall, thats the part we want to keep clean I like to scate on the wrong side of the ice.. I saw the forest where they get wood for pannelling..It was a long thin forest.. I was walking down the road the other day when the perscription for my glasses ran out.... What is another word for Thesaurus.. I went in the general store the other day and they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I want to start a car repair shop, have already got the air for the tyres. I went to the store the other day to buy some batteries but they weren't included and I had to buy them again! Also I was standing on a window ledge today... My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary... When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers...we haven't spoken since. A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt... I don't like dogs...keep getting mustard on my catching glove... My mom called me last night....I'm over it now... I was thinking of calling her back...there it passed... My uncle's an airline pilot...kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though... When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted. Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on National TV... I broke a leg one time...spilt coffee all over... One day I was walking through the forest. A tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it. I was walking by a store that said 'Open 24 Hours' and I saw the owner locking the front door. I said 'I thought you were open 24 hours'. The store owner replied 'Not in a row!' I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days. I was driving down the street past a gas station. There were two signs in the window, "Help wanted", "Self-serve". So, I went in and hired myself. I made myself the boss. I took all the money and left. I was driving down the street at 100 miles per hour for no reason. The police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "Why? I had my foot to the floor. It sends more gas to the carburetor. It makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off." And I said, "See this wheel, this steers it." One time I went through a stop sign. They stopped me. They said, "Why did you go through the sign?" I said, "Hey, I don't believe everything I read." I was driving my car around, I decided to hook my brake lights up to my gas pedal. Just to confuse people behind me. I hit the gas and the brake lights go on. They stop and I'm gone. They say, "What is he driving?" That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket." I got bored, I went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?" In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?" Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest. One time I was hitchhiking when a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks, I'm not going that far." I was caesarean-born, can't really tell, altho whenever I leave the house, I go out the window. I dreamed last night that all the babies prevented by the pill came back...they were mad. I've got the world's oldest typewritter...it types in pencil. I got a tatoo all over my body of me only taller. Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I live on a one-way dead end street. ================================================================= <<>